The Final Showdown

Over on my other blog, I've recently come to terms with running out of time to do things in my day. If I'm ever to keep progressing in my life, I need to find ways to use more of my time more efficiently. After plotting my daily routine, I've noticed that I only use leisure time at two or three points in the day: Morning, on break at work (on days I get a break), and evening after work.

My current routine has me masturbating once to several times in the morning, depending, of course, on when my workday starts. The past few days I've been waking with the intent to meditate and start my day immediately, but I always find reasons to fall back on my bad habits. Today I was too sore to want to do yoga, and instead of taking a hit and sitting on the cushion and settling back into my body, I decided to get my laptop out and jack. Well, I had to take down the firewall I put up first, which I am regretting.

Now that I have steady work, I'm realizing that, optimally, I will have work 5-6 days a week, so I need to cement good habits so I can keep making progress on my personal goals despite the unfortunate need to work for a living. I've decided that any day that I am working less than 10 hours, I have no excuse to not work out. So my mornings are going to start with 5 minutes of meditation, into yoga, and then to the gym.

I have hopes for this working out. I haven't hooked up with anyone in weeks (well over a month, I think) and I don't really have the desire to meet anyone new. I flirt pretty heavily with guys online, but I haven't been very tempted to cheat for a while. And whenever I'm online, my self-image suffers, so it isn't even serving any of my interests anymore. Furthermore, half the time when I DO get off, it isn't even satisfying. So masturbation is really serving no purpose for me except wasting time.

With this knowledge behind me, I'm going to overcome this horrible habit and move on with my life.

New developments

With all the working out I've been doing, I'm finding myself much more attractive (and my endurance has increased significantly). My boyfriend and I recently had some of the best sex we've ever had, and I've been on top. Unlike usual, my dick has almost always been rock hard in the past week or so, which is pretty damn awesome.

Of course, I'm back to masturbating, under the premises that I'm just trying to enjoy my newfound potency. It is again completely disrupting my daily schedule, and as a result I'm being nowhere near as productive as I'd like to be (and lately I've been getting pretty stressed again). I know I overbooked work again this week, which could be causing a lot of the stress which is weakening my resolve to try and abstain.

I'm going to try to resume my resolve for the rest of the month. I've realized yet again that my success in all my goals depends on nothing more than my motivation to succeed. The higher my aspirations, the more focused my drive needs to be. I am working on my set of life goals again, and am even considering completely dropping out of my chosen career due to the inherent stress in some of my work. I'm making no decisions yet, of course, but there's a lot churning around my brain.

But no matter: I need to keep my resolve ironclad.

Trouble spots

My resolve has started to die again. I called the former personal trainer over the weekend and left him a message telling him to call me back since I couldn't stop thinking about him. Fortunately he decided not to call me back.

My boyfriend and I had a threesome with the same hot dancer again. This time didn't go quite as well. We had some fun, and Wes fucked him, but after that it started to get awkward and the dancer told us that he wasn't interested in having a threesome again, but he still wanted to hang out. So I guess we're going to still hang out, though I'm upset I didn't get to fuck him. Which has made me horny in not the right ways lately. But I'm trying to deal with it as best I can.

I have been masturbating lately, but I am working again toward stopping.

An oddly frustrating win

Today was a frustrating win. I was too horny to stop myself from jacking off but I didn't go to my usual sites, and I didn't go to any hookup sites or attempt a hookup. Unfortunately I was still horny and ended up jacking off four times. But I think my decision to not hook up with other men is the more important choice to uphold. I will continue to work on not masturbating, but at least this is one slip up that I can say shows some progress.

Quick Update

Yesterday felt amazing. Giving up all future hookups outside my relationship was definitely what I needed to do. It was such a lift to not feel the need to compete or work out or do anything for anyone but me or my partner. The desire to jack off has come and gone over yesterday and today, but I have not succumbed so far. And when I got hard in bed last night, I told my boyfriend and we fucked before sleeping. I know that this sounds like something so simple, but we've never done it so spontaneously in my recollection, and it just felt great. He said our said life is finally becoming what he always wanted it to be. I guess I never knew it could be so good.

It's done

I called the hot black former personal trainer this morning and asked him not to come. Unfortunately, he did not pick up, so I left a message inviting him to call, but asking him not to come over. I briefly explained that I didn't want to hurt him or my boyfriend (or myself) and that I'm also way behind on some other work for this month.

I feel good about this. I feel like I'm finally being honest with myself about what I'm doing. And I feel like I can finally start being honest with my boyfriend.

Important Realizations, Important Decisions

In light of the events of the past few days, which included a hookup with a hot black personal trainer and a hot threesome with my boyfriend and a dancer, I've realized a few things, and made a few decisions as a result.

Realizations

• Sex with my boyfriend is some of the best sex I've ever had.
• Sex with my boyfriend is more pleasurable than jacking off.
• My sexual fantasies are never as fun as I hope.
• One certain base physical attractiveness is met, the only thing that makes sex better is chemistry. A hotter guy does not mean better sex.

Decisions

• I deleted all my pictures on my manhunt account, and removed all identifying information, and set my profile text saying that I am not looking for a hook up.
• I deleted all my buddies on manhunt, all my e-mails, and set it so that it no longer tracks who I look at.
• I've changed my gay.com profile so it no longer mentions threesomes, and says I'm only looking to chat.
• I emptied my gay.com hotlist and bookmark list.
• I deleted all e-mails I SENT to guys that included pictures of me, either G or R rated.
• I will no longer be acting as if my boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. We may still have threesomes, but I will not pursue any men on my own.

These are steps I should have taken at the top of the month. But no worry, this will fix things. The hard part will be telling the hot, black, former personal trainer that I don't want to fuck him tomorrow.