Taking Responsibility

It hit me recently that a decade is about to come to an end, and a new decade is about to begin. The year 2000 was exciting for me. It heralded an end to high school and the beginning of adulthood. 10 years of adulthood later, I find myself in an odd position. I've accomplished many of the things I set out to do, but not in the ways I expected. In the past 10 years I completed two degrees, moved to Ohio and then California, and started a great relationship and am trying to start a career. In the past 10 years I haven't died, I've barely made a dent in my athleticism (though my exercise habits and my diet have improved sharply this past year or two). Most importantly though: I have not been able to curb my addiction to porn, hookup sites, and masturbation.

I always assumed that this was a phase I was going through and could not be called an all-out addiction. However, after trying to quit multiple times and failing every single one, I have to admit that this is a real problem that will continue to hold me back if I fail to address it. I'm 27 now, going on 28, and I don't want to enter my 30s with my dick in my hand (I'd rather have it in someone else's). If I don't quit masturbating, looking at porn, and going to hookup sites, it's going to destroy my relationship, and eventually my life and livelihood.

I attempted to quit masturbating years ago by deleting all the porn from my computer and wiping the drives. I stored everything on CD (my whole collection, when compresed, fit on 4 CDs). At some point, I started a new porn collection, and then eventually loaded all 4 CDs back onto my computer.

I just spent today removing all the porn from my computer and attached hard drives. It took up 9 DVDs uncompressed. I've taken off all pictures, movies, e-mails, saved conversations, bookmarks, and internet history, so even auto-completion in Firefox won't lead to porn. I've reblocked all websites I frequent to get off. In the moments that I have lucidity and clarity of thinking, I'm trying to do whatever I can to remove all triggers for this habit.

I've given the DVD set I burned for "backup purposes" to my boyfriend. I've instructed him to hide them, maybe destroy them. I don't know what he's going to do with them and I don't care.

My goal is to go until the end of January without masturbating. I know I've said this time and time again, but I will not give up trying to beat this habit until I succeed, and I am going to try as hard as I can to overcome it. I've beaten addictions before, and I will do it again.

All the best,

j

On Being Human

I seem to forget that I'm human when I make grand plans for myself. I forget that I am fallible. That I will always make mistakes. That nobody is perfect, myself included. So when a setback occurs, or the unexpected happens, I shut down and don't deal with it in stride, with grace.

So my grand plan is posted for all to see. I managed to maintain the P.E. for the whole month, and saw a gain of .25" in length and .125" in girth. Pretty cool, and I'm going to keep it up in some capacity going forward. My erections seem firmer. As far as exercise goes, I haven't stayed with the exact plan I proposed, but I have managed to cement yoga as a principal part of my morning routine. It's not a lot, but it's a start. I haven't made much obvious progress in terms of stats (I haven't bothered measuring again) but at least I haven't lost any ground this month. In terms of work and general drive and motivation (including stopping masturbating) I've made absolutely no headway.

It's clear going forward that it's critical for me to develop a healthy attitude toward sex and masturbation. Whenever I get aroused, my ability to do any work goes completely out the window. My main focus and goal for this month going forward is to stop masturbating. It's not going to happen all at once, there are going to be times when I am weak, but I am going to accomplish this. This is the next step in my development as a person, and I've let my life stagnate for years.

So, starting a life without masturbating, beginning today (again). Wish me luck!

All the best,

j

Continuing Forward

Things are going mostly well with my life plan. As before, I've been very good at keeping up my exercise plan. I had two really good workouts in the gym and a good run around noon today. I've also been meditating daily and doing my physical therapy.

As far as PE goes, I had a good first day of exercises, and I haven't masturbated today yet. However, I jacked off Monday and Tuesday. I'm focusing closely on my habits as they surround masturbation, making mental notes of when I want to, why, and what strategies I can use to counteract this desire.

I made a decision the other day that the masturbation itself isn't bad. It's just that I do it so much that it's causing phisiological problems with my dick. Then I remembered that I bought a fleshlight a number of years with a few inserts and never use it. In fact, it was hidden away in one of the cabinets under the sink in my bathroom. So I took it out again in hopes that jacking off with it instead of my hands will increase sensitivity and allow my callouses to heal. I was about to use it this morning, but my boyfriend woke up and I got embarrassed so I hid it discretely.

So it seems that right now I don't want to masturbate when my boyfriend is around. It also seems that it's a go-to leisure activity. Whenever I take a break in the day, it's the thing I want to do most. So I just need to work with that energy and try to redirect it into constructive activities. I think I was fairly constructive today (had the urge to jack, but didn't do it) and I got a bunch of work done, so that's good.

The one part of the plan I'm completely ignoring at this point is my goal to practice regularly. I think I'm going to give myself another day or two before forcing that goal into reality.

But all in all, things have been good, and I feel much more centered than I did when working Rocky Horror over, and over and over again.

All the best,

j

Off to a Rocky Start...

...but a start nonetheless

Today didn't go exactly as I had hoped, but I'm forgiving myself because I hit the major points of my plan. Flexibility is going to be important going forward, and as long as I do my PE and go to the gym, I'm going to call the day a success.

So to start the day, I didn't get up when I intended. I slept in another hour and then had sex with my boyfriend (the first time in about a month, give or take a week or two). Then we spent the morning together. I did yoga and meditated, and then when he left to run errands I did my PE. After PE I got sidetracked with edging and masturbation, and had some trouble stopping and going to the gym. I had to cum. Then I went to the gym and had a great workout. Then I updated my Bodyspace page and made a first posting to PEGym.

Tonight brought a rehearsal I didn't need to be at, so I left, and then I've been jacking off at home in between other things. I think today's a wash for trying not to masturbate, but I'm not going to at all for the next two days so my dick can recuperate from the exercises.

So I would rate today not a total success but not a total failure. I'm going to try to have a more productive meditation session tomorrow (today's was distracting) so I can actually establish mindfulness to take through my day. Two steps forward, one step back.

All the best,

j

Goals for February 1, 2009

Start Date: November 2, 2009

Spiritual goals: Mindfulness
Method to attain: 10 minutes of meditation daily, Morning routine with yoga and Phys therapy
Potential pitfalls: Laziness
Solution: Reacquaint myself with the end goals, remind myself that meditation is a core part of achieving everything else. If all else fails, try some marijuana.
Time Daily: 1hr

Body goals: 0.5" to all measurements (chest, arms, legs, etc.; not sure if this is possible, but it's a start); weight down to 150, BF down 2%
Method to attain: 4x week weights in gym, 2x cardio outside/gym, eat well
Potential pitfalls: Overtraining, Laziness
Solution: Listen to my body. Take days off as needed. Readjust schedule if needed. Reacquant myself with my end goals. Always carry enough food.
Time daily: 2hr

Sexual goals: .25" in length and girth, harder erections, heal skin on dick
Method to attain: Beginner PE routine, edge after routine to a timer. Only cum every 3 days if possible. Start basic grooming regiment; trim body hair weekly, facial hair every other day. Check nails, nose hair, etc. Moisturize skin.
Potential pitfalls: Overtraining. Laziness. Embarassment. Lack of control and restraint
Solution: Listen to my body. The overall goal is health. Reacquaint myself with the end goals. Suck it up, find ways to be proud of what I'm doing to enhance myself. In case of lack of control, think of something to kill the hard on, do sit ups/push ups/etc., meditate. Take control back.
Time daily: 1 hr

Work goals: Increase work output; become a more proficient pianist. Master scales and arpeggios.
Method to attain: Practice daily. 30 mins on exercises at least. 30 mins on pleasure playing.
Potential pitfalls: Laziness. Frustration.
Solution: Remember my career goals and how this is a part of the process. On extreme days of frustration, get high and do scales and arppegios. Remember that this is supposed to be enjoyable overall.
Practicing: 1 hr
Work: As required. 1 hr minimum on composition or sound design

Relationship: Work on improving sex life.
Method: Initiate sexual activity 1/week min; Increase openness.
Potential pitfalls: Laziness. Embarrassment.
Solution: Remember that my boyfriend's sexual response to me is part of the process. If my dick does get bigger it's important to loosen him up. If not, it's still important for our relationship health to have sex. I want to become better and more confident in it (more stamina) and he is the ideal guy to try new things with.
Time: A few hours of entertainment every week :)

Fear

As I am about to embark on what promises to be a lifelong journey into my personal goals, I feel I need to pause and assess the fears that have been cropping up on the outskirts of my mind. What better time than Halloween to air out the scary skeletons in my closet?

Fear of Failure

I am afraid of failing at something I have worked at with honest and concentrated effort. This is why I hold back a lot in my life. I am blessed in that most of the things I attempt half-heartedly seem to work out for the best. Few projects I've worked on have met my high expectations, but there are few that I have given my full energy and dedication. If I don't put my all into a project, and it falls short of my hopes, I never feel too bad because I always know I can do better work if I really put my mind to it. But how can I know if I never do? This is my time to find out.

I want to have a better sense of who I am and what I am capable of by the time I am 30, and I have under three years to accomplish that goal. Without shooting for the stars—my stars—I will never know who I can be. And if I do fail, I still have two options: I can try again a different way, or I can give up. Giving up without trying is no longer a decision I want to make.

Fear of Success

The coin of judgement has a flip side. Achieving all my goals will make me a different person. I have no idea what person that is. I think I've balanced things out so I'll be able to look back and thank my past self for taking the risks I'm about to undertake. But what if I reach for these goals, reach (or exceed) them, and still feel unhappy and unfulfilled?

If that happens, and three months (or three years) from now I'm still miserable and am not happy about my accomplishments, at least I'll have crossed a whole bunch of options off my list and can keep searching for what will make my life fulfilling and happy. So I guess in this particular case, my fear of success is really a disguised fear of failure. My overall goal is happiness and fulfillment, and it may take a lifetime to meet that goal.

Fear of Loneliness

Largely, this is a journey that I am going to be taking alone, or at least without any direct support from people in my current social/familial network. I'm worried that I'm going to do to reach my own personal goals is going to estrange me from people who matter to me now like my boyfriend and my family. I'm also worried that a lot of friends and people I care about are going to think this is a very selfish or self-involved journey I'm attempting.

I honestly feel I haven't been able to function at the top of my game because of the problems I'm attempting to address. I feel like I owe it to myself and those around me to be the best that I can be, defined by my own compass. If I lose people on my journey, I am sure I will pick up others. And if not, at least I will be able to find some solace in the strength I find along the way.

No More Fear

I banish these fears. And if they ever approach again, I will draw strength from my goals and my vision of a potential future in which I am happy with my appearance, feel strong and athletic, understand and control my sexuality, have a strong relationship, and have made leaps and bounds on my career goals. Once I accomplish these goals and manage to find a center in them, I will be in a better position to help others on their journeys. It's going to be a long road to that point, but if I'm ever going to start, the time is now.

All the best,

j

Treading Water

So I couldn't sleep last night even though I wanted to again. And I didn't do any of the work I needed to do. Luckily none of that bit me in the ass today. The lightning designer on the show is further behind than I am—he couldn't make the space safe for the actors before their rehearsal tonight. We're starting tech tomorrow instead, and I'll be even better prepared then, theoretically. Though in all likelihood I won't be able to focus on that work tonight. My boyfriend has hinted (well, said pretty directly) that he wants to have sex tonight, so I have a feeling I won't get much work done at all.

On the plus side, the director is very happy with how things sound so far, and my system is much better than the lighting system, so it's really a win for me all around today.

Sorry to keep a short entry for this evening, but my head is all fuzzy from hunger and sleep deprivation. I'm honestly just treading water until Halloween is over. I can't wait to get my life back. I have so much planned for it!

All the best,

j

Setting Sexy Goals

I couldn't sleep last night of course. It's something from this Halloween work that I still haven't gotten used to. I cannot wait until I get back on a normal life schedule. I really hate how far from equilibrium work like this takes me I get home and I'm all riled up and just can't turn off my brain to sleep. I know it's going to take me another week or so to get back onto a normal sleep schedule.

I'm starting to think about what I'm going to have to do to stop myself from masturbating so much. I think for my plan to work, a drastic drop in my masturbation is a necessary step. Some of it should stop naturally after this super late night work is done. I should be able to return to a normal sleep schedule, and I know that historically I masturbate less when Wes and I spend more time together.

I think it would be better this time around to do an incentive plan. I want to stop using these social networking sites completely. They're a waste of time, and I need to refocus my energy on my work for the next few months. I'm also hoping to do some significant improvements to my body over the next few months. So my plan right now is to completely quit the hookup sites cold turkey for three months.

So how about this: If I am able to meet my goals as stated with not a single significant stumble, I will get professional pictures taken and post them on my blog, my hookup accounts, and I will open a dudesnude (and possibly bigmuscle) account. And I'll begin to publicize this journey I'm on. If I fail to meet my stated performance goals, but manage to establish and follow my habits, I'll have my boyfriend take the pictures, but I'll still reactivate my hookup accounts. If I just fail to meet either set of goals, I'll have to reevaluate down the road.

I'm gaining more and more confidence in my ability to pull this off. The plan I'm working on is so obviously for my personal improvement that I should have a hard time finding mental tricks to delay my progress. Secondly, the habits I'm trying to form are (for the most part) ones that I've already established in some phase of my life. I've already successfully followed an exercise regimen. And I have in my past practiced the piano religiously, and I've held a meditation routine as well. The new activites (PE and imrpoving my sex life) are things I'm starting to do in reasonable steps, and I'm using them both as replacement activities for masturbation.

I've used the Joe's Goals tracking site in the past to track my progress. Maybe it's time to do so again. I'll be sure to link it into this blog.

I think that's all I have to report on today. Next week I'll focus on setting my three month plan down on here for the record, and then I'll take my baseline pictures for tracking my progress.

I know I don't have many (probably any) readers at this point, but I'm very interested in hearing about what people think about this plan that I'm working on. Comments and questions are always welcome!

All the best,

j

Arousing Fears

Yesterday I had some trouble sleeping in the evening. I got home from work by 3:15 a.m. and had to be up today at 9:30 a.m. so I could make it to the run through I was supposed to attend on time. My goal was to go to bed at 4 a.m., but I got horny again and was still wide awake so ended up tiring myself out with masturbation (again) until around 4:45 a.m. when I was finally tired enough to sleep.

The sad thing is that I didn't want to jack off again at first. I was just out of control horny and knew from experience that it wouldn't go down even if I wanted it to.

The first time I masturbated last night, what really got me rock hard was thinking about how I was hoping to look in the future, and what kind of doors that would open for me. I was on adam4adam looking at all the hot, exclusive sex parties in the Los Angeles area that I would be laughed out of now. Apparently it's a bit of an L.A. phenomenon, and I've even seen some of them billed as celebrity/athlete sex parties. Think the hottest guys in L.A. under one roof. I was imagining how hot it would be to be one of them.

The second time I masturbated, it was after doing some research about skin tightening. I've had this fear for years that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to lose enough fat to look toned without plastic surgery.

My exercise backstory

Let me explain a bit about how I became the person I am today. When I was very little I was skinny and a picky eater. Apparently all I would eat reliably was cottage cheese. My parents were worried about how thin I was, and over several years trained me to always finish the food on my plate, regardless of whether I was hungry or not. However, they didn't provide me an incredibly healthy diet (I remember a lot of fast food in my youth) and as I got older, especially in my teens, I would sneak a lot of sweets and cookies without them knowing.

I was on swim teams in the winter and summer, and did no exercise in between. I was an average swimmer; usually got second or third place in most of my races, and very rarely placed first. I never made it to the higher levels of competition than the local meets. I was taunted by the other swimmers a lot because I was so different (I was a shy boy who went to a private school, so I didn't know my teammates as well as they knew each other) and was beaten up a lot. Needless to say, when an opportunity to work a job instead of swimming popped up, I took it with little hesitation.

I never really did much else than that. I was forced to play soccer one spring by my dad, who was the stereotypical "yelling father" on the sidelines. I was bad at the sport and was miserable being yelled at the whole time, so my parents never tried to make me do it again.

A turning point in my body image came when I was 13. I was made fun of by one of the swim team members for the rolls of fat around my gut when I sat down. I never really looked at myself as overweight or unattractive until this point. I never spoke to anyone about it, and I was really anxious about it. My release valve for anxiety at this point was overeating, and I honestly never put my weight and my eating habits together. I kept ballooning up over the next four and a half years, peaking at just over 200 lbs of fat before my 18th birthday.

I started losing weight fairly rapidly immediately after coming out. I did nothing to lose the weight, it just started coming off. I came out to myself around April 2000 when I was 200lbs, and by the following November when I came back from college for the first time, I was at 135. I put on no muscle, and my skin was still loose everywhere. I still thought I was fat even though none of my clothes fit anymore. But when I got home and went to a party with many of my former classmates, so many people had no idea who I was. And their new first opinions of me were much more favorable than they were in the past. That hurt me a lot, and it drove home the unfortunate bias towards attractiveness in all areas of life.

I've exercised on and off since then. The month before I met my boyfriend I was in the gym twice a day, cardio in the morning for 30-45 mins and lifting at night for an hour or two. It was really intense, and I toned up quite a bit. After we met, I stopped that intense regiment, and then stopped going at all for well over a year.

While I was unemployed this summer, I started working out again, and really cemented a nice workout routine at the local Y. I saw some slow progress, but after three months I decided I was hooked. I haven't had time to work out a lot this month because of my job, but that's why I'm starting this new plan when my contract ends.

While I'm in the best shape of my life, I'm still not toned the way I want to be. I think the only way for me to get toned, fortunately or unfortunately, will be to add a lot of muscle.

Here's the thing: I want to be hot. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. Sure, I'm attractive enough, but I want to feel like my body is something nice to look at as well. With all this extra skin, I still feel fat. Lately I've been taking to grabbing a fistful of skin around my waist, legs and ass and stretching it taught to get some sort of idea of what I'll eventually look like.

I've felt like my weight problem is going to be a cross I'll have to bear for my entire life. But the thing I've been trying to wrap my head around is that it doesn't really matter all that much that I used to be fat. I don't look fat in clothes now. And while I'm not the hottest guy out there, what does it matter? Well, even though it matters to me, here's the deal: it's not like I can afford liposuction right now anyway. So I just need to keep moving forward with my fitness plan. Maybe my skin will firm up, maybe it won't. But it definitely won't if I do nothing, and I know my overall health level will improve the more I exercise and eat right. So I'll keep doing the right thing, and if I don't get the results I want after years and years of work, I feel like I deserve the surgery.

I know it's superficial, but is it too much to ask to look at myself in the mirror and like what I see? If so, it's something I'll have to work through over the years to come. However, in working backstage with many mostly naked actors, most of whom are much hotter than I am, I have to say that when analyzed closely, each one has some sort of body flaw. So one of the things I'm going to have to come to terms with is that I will never be 100% happy with how I look; there will always be something I want to improve. And I think that's what will keep me fit for years to come. I need to make this about the journey and not the destination.

All the best,

j

Back to the Present

Yesterday was mostly successful. I had a moment where I acted immaturely toward my boyfriend because he was rude to me, so basically perpetuating the bad karma in that interaction instead of stopping it. I also really wanted to hookup, and really attempted to, but ended up not finding anyone I was interested in who was interested in me and free at the time, so it didn't work out.

I know the desire to hook up will only go away with time and focus. But, like most times in my life when I begin large projects, I want to be at the end and not doing all the work to get to my goal.

This is a large problem for me. I coasted through life for many years without having to study or work very hard at the problems in front of me. When things began to get difficult and time consuming in college and even in grad school, my methods of procrastination worked fine, and I still got good grades and accolades, but I never got as good at the things that I do that I feel I should have.

Now, I don't work on long-term projects very well. If I can't see the results easily, I get discouraged. This isn't to say I never worked hard on long-term projects. I learned the Grieg piano concerto in a minor and played it with the orchestra when I was in undergrad. I practiced it, hard, for at least a year. And yes, I did get very good at playing it, but I never got it to the level I wanted to, which was very discouraging. I did not at the time see and hear the progress I was making. Even now, looking back, I don't see a clear path of improvement in my playing during undergrad that I wanted. I know I didn't dedicate time to practicing that my colleagues did, so that could definitely be the reason. I never set concrete technical goals, only "learn and memorize this song," and that was not motivation enough for me to really dig in to the work.

I've been doing a lot of backstage work lately, and for the most part, I've found it very satisfying. I have clearly defined goals, I accomplish them, and then I'm done. It's the same thing that got me hooked on World of Warcraft: you're presented with goals that gradually get harder, and you complete them in the order that makes sense to you for a usually well-defined reward. There are few questions, and the obstacles are mostly not much more than you can handle. In other words, not like life at all.

So my larger goal with this new life plan is to change the way I work fundamentally. I've defined very clear goals for myself over a long time period, and I can say unequivocally that I do want to accomplish these goals, at least the body goals. The body goals are latent, unstated goals that I have held since puberty; my goal is to become the physical manifestation of the man I have always wanted to be, to the best of my ability.

I think that's why I'm hitting the body goals very hard at the beginning and still letting the creative goals remain fairly undefined except for setting myself up to do good work on the creative projects that are crossing my plate. I'm hoping that if I get my body image in line with what I want it to be, my self-esteem will continue to rise in other areas of my life, provided I'm working on them at the same time.

I guess what I'm experiencing is an overarching uncertainty about the direction I've taken my life. I've overemphasized academic and creative pursuits while not doing anything at all to take care of myself physically or spiritually. I've had waves of this kind of self-neglect since I was in high school.

So looking at my history as something that I can learn from and change for the future, I still have to say that my overall plan is a good one, and I'm fixing things with the right priority (i.e. I'm not working too much on my body while neglecting the rest). So I'm just going to take heart, relax, and go forward.

All the best,

j

Early Difficulties

One of the ways I'm going to make this work is by reporting on my difficulties in the process. I am acknowledging at the top of my pursuits, even before officially starting, that what I am going to undertake is going to be incredibly difficult, especially at the beginning.

My goal is to start this lifetime transformation on November 1st. I'm using this remaining week to fully develop the first three months of my plan so that I can avoid any pitfalls. So recording my temptations and failures and successes at containing those temptations is going to be extremely important to my progress.

Yesterday, I typed up my manifesto for the first part of the day, after doing my morning routine of yoga, physical therapy, and meditation. I ran some errands quickly and then left to go surfing, which I ended up doing for an hour/hour and a half (after being stuck in traffic for just as long). Then I just relaxed at my surfing buddy's place until my boyfriend got off work. I picked him up, from work, and we got home and relaxed for a bit, and started to do some more brainstorming work on our musical. Then we watched the Simpsons for a bit and he went to bed. I "couldn't sleep" again and ended uo staying up until 4 jacking off at least 3 times. But one of the things I jacked off to was thinking about my goals, where I wanted to be as opposed to jacking off simply to the images of other guys. Not that this is better, since I did break a rule.

So, what could I have done better yesterday? Well, I have a bunch of design work that's coming due that I'm not prepared for. I have to load in a system at the Alexandria, and I haven't even acquired all the pieces and parts to do that. I used surfing as my workout for the day, and I did manage to start the day with my morning routine. However, after surfing I pretty much crashed and let the rest of the day fail. But the thing that perpetuated it was the realization that I should never have gone surfing in the first place. I didn't have the time to spend on it, but I did it anyway. I also shouldn't have gone to bed so late, there was no reason, and it set up today for failure as well.

So it seems that, upon examination, my fault for yesterday was a lack of mindfulness. I did not have my obligations for the week clearly in my mind, so when it came to making decisions about how to spend my day, I ignored my obligations and I'm going to pay for it with a lack of focus this weekend.

A lot of this is residual problems from overbooking myself, so this mindfulness is going to have be total awareness of my schedule and obligations to myself and to my work. The reason I'm starting this self-improvement process on November 2nd is that is a day sufficiently far in the future and it's the first day the craziness of this October schedule clears up (I intended to start November 1st, but that day is very packed, and I'll be at Halloween Horror Nights until early in the morning.

So it seems that the most useful thing for me to be doing to finish out this month is to begin practicing mindfulness as it concerns my planning and actions. For instance: be mindful and care enough about myself to make sure I go to bed on time each night, and to make sure I spend the time I need to on my work so I don't go crazy and lose focus later. It's going to be a painful process at first, but when I start moving smoothly after a few weeks, all the things I perceive as sacrifices begin to pay off as strengths.

I'm working on some specific goals going forward, but I think for the next two weeks I'm going to principally focus on sleep and whatever regularity I can manage with my crappy schedule.

All the best,

j

Turning Point

Yesterday feels like a major turning point for my life, and I'm determined to use its momentum to carry me forward. I got really high (arguably the best state of mind to be in when making major life decisions) and set out specific goals for myself to accomplish in each of four areas of my life through the next 23-28 years. Basically, I've decided on the state of being I'd like to exist in when I am twice my current age. The four areas are: mind, body, spirit, and my relationship.

Goal Summary

In general, I've wanted similar things through my entire life, I just haven't acted on them. I've always wanted to be athletic, strong, and more muscular than average. I've always wanted to feel more sexually confident and masculine. I've always wanted to feel like an accomplished musician/composer. And I've always wanted to feel spiritually in tune with my environment so that I am capable of helping others find peace (in hopes that I can find it myself). Part of my recent realization is that these are not overnight goals, these are lifetime goals that will take a lifetime of work and focus to accomplish, but I will have to start now on the ground floor if I am ever able to achieve them.

In planning these goals, I started out imagining where I would like to be by 45 with my body, spirit, career/mind and with Wes, and then worked backward to plan large milestones at 30, 35, 40, and 45. The next step of the plan is to figure out what steps I can take now in each area of my life to accomplish my ultimate goals. So basically every three months I'll be creating three month goals, evaluate my progress, and then changing directions as needed to continue forward.

Body Goals

I have always been ashamed of my body. That is, until recently. You see, I have always been overweight. I have had a roll of fat (baby fat, even) around my stomach, and a bit of a bosom (not pecs). I thought for my entire adult life that this was something I would have to make peace with and live with for the rest of my life. After working out (not even that hard) for three months, and seeing very noticeable progress, my thinking is changing. My body is something I can take control of, and I can get the body I want. So in light of that, I'm shooting for the stars. I want to be big--bodybuilder big. But I also want the core strength, flexibility, and skills to compete in solo athletics like swimming, martial arts, yoga, surfing, rock climbing, etc. So while gaining muscle is going to principally important, I'm making sure to spend a significant amount of time on athletic activities outside bodybuilding/weightlifting.

That being said, here are my ultimate goals, starting with where I am now:

Age	27 (now)	30	35	40	45
Motivation	Pics soon	tomathletic24cgn	bhar031972	SFmuscl	Gman
Weight (lb)	153	160	185	210	225
Bodyfat	16%	8%	8%	10%	10%
Chest (in)	38.5	42	46	48	50
Waist (in)	33.5	30	30	30	30
Arms (in)	13	15	17	19	20
Thigh (in)	21.5	23	26	28	30
Calf (in)	15	16	18	19	20

I realize that my end goals are incredibly ambitious and may not be physically possible giving my frame and genetics. That's fine. The purpose of this is to shoot for ambitious goals in hopes that I will better understand my natural limitations on this journey with the understanding that anything I'm working towards is better than what I would have had otherwise. The end goal is only meant as the proverbial carrot at the end of the stick. Besides, after age 30, I'll have to put on 5 lbs per year to reach my goals, which is within all measures of healthy growth that I've read.

In addition to these concrete weight and muscle goals, I intend to keep up on improving my personal grooming and hygiene. What this means for me is that I will begin grooming body and facial hair regularly, will continue using the skin products I have, and will continue to take care of my teeth, will stop biting my fingernails and ripping off my toenails, etc. Basically, I am intending to make my personal care habits match the level of which I am working to improve my body so I can more fully enjoy my accomplishments.

Sexuality Goals

In many ways, this is tied up into body goals. My theory is that as I continue to build my body, I will become more comfortable in the bedroom. However, my dick is one part of my body I have had a love/hate relationship for the majority of my life, and I intend to focus some of my attention on its care. I recently purchased the eBook Exercising the Penis and intend to follow its recommendations to the letter.

I've already started reading the book, and I've learned enough to realize that I am simply not taking care of my dick or sex drive. I normally do not have morning erections. Almost 100% of the time I climax is due to masturbation. And I masturbate many times per day.

While I have a large dick, especially for my body size, I have always wanted bigger. Natural penis enhancement through exercises has become more and more mainstream as I've grown up, and I'm ready to work towards a bigger dick. From what I gather in Exercising the Penis, I will need to stop masturbating so frequently so my penis has time to recover from the prescribed exercises and grow. Whether or not I reach the size I want to be, the book guarantees a healthier sex life, which is the ultimate goal, after all.

Here's what I'm aiming for with exercising alone:

Age	27 (now)	30	35	40	45
Erect, BP	7.5	9	9.5	10	10
Erect, NBP	6.5				10
Erect, Girth	5.5	6.5	7	7.5	8
Flaccid, BP	6.5
Flaccid, NBP	5.5				8
Flaccid, Girth	4.75				6

I realize that this chart is on the extreme side, but why not? I don't intend to do anything to deform my dick like injections or anything like that, and the gradual growth that I'm hoping for is within line of the possibilities laid out in Exercising the Penis (though admittedly they are on the high end of what is supposed to be possible. Whether or not I reach the ultimate wize of 10x8, I would settle for a rock hard 7.5x6, though I should say I have no plan on discontinuing exercises down the road.

Work/Mind

I have honestly spent more time considering what I want to accomplish with my body by 45, but I have significant work goals I'd like to see pass too. While I've been thinking what I really want is a house job, that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, and I think I'd honestly be very miserable working for a house when I'd rather be working on my own projects on my own terms.

That being said, here's the rough outline of my goals:

55	Retire to academia
50	Complete my grand masterpiece work and have it tour and perform internationally
45	Get grant(s) to begin work on the grand masterpiece
40	Tour cutting edge theater internationally, begin to lay groundwork for grand masterpiece
35	Have completed and performed 4 musicals.
30	Finish and perform the musical I've started work on with my boyfriend.
27 (now)	One musical is heading toward production in January, the second is in conceptual phases. I'm developing my musical language with my sound design and composing projects.

Again, ambitious. But I have an exit plan; I've always known I'd end up in academia, but I've wanted to accomplish something big in my lifetime before then. Might as well aim for that, and I'm excited to conceive of this grand masterpiece. I already have an inkling of what I want it to be, but a lot of time will pass before I start to cement it into reality. I want to be ready for it.

This is going to take a lot of work, and it's going to require that I buckle down and become the best that I can be in a lot of fields that I have been afraid to participate in fully. Now is the time to start this work and get over the fear of inadequacy that has been holding me back. I starting to realize I'm as talented as I've always feared I'd be, since projects I'm not putting a lot of effort in are meeting acclaim in small circles. I want to really put effort into my work so it can shine on the larger stage.

Spirituality

An aspect of my life that I have let go for a long time is my spirituality. I was raised in the Moravian Church and attended regularly until I left home for college in 2000. I only attended Christmas services until 2005, when I started to study meditation in the Shambhala Buddhism school of thinking. I meditated regularly for about a year before giving it up almost completely. In the past few months I've tried to resume a sitting practice but have had significant pitfalls. Enough of that! Spirituality is principal in my plan for self-development and keeping on track, and I am going to continue to explore the Shambhala tradition.

Here's how I intend to do it:

45	Teach Shambhala classes and lead meditation regularly
40	Complete Shambhala teacher training
35	Complete dathün and warrior training
30	Become active at local meditation center
27 (now)	Start daily meditation practice. Extend mindfulness into my daily life.

Again, this is an ambitious spiritual path, but I am seeing dangers of ego and arrogance with my other pursuits and I am hoping spiritual discovery and practice will continue to make me a humble person who is willing to serve others with my gifts. I am just intending to grow my gifts with this program to better serve others, and to show others what is possible in life.

Life with my boyfriend

Initially, I thought I was complete with my goals when I finished mind, body, and spirit. However, my life has been tied with my boyfriend's, for better or worse. I've been attempting to hook up a lot the past few months, and I haven't found any guys I like who like me who come anywhere close to being a better match than my boyfriend. So even though he's not perfect and he drives me crazy a lot of the time, I'm planning on spending the rest of my life with him. My plans need to reflect that:

50	Help my boyfriend start a nonprofit to take care of abandoned/unwanted Great Danes. (his dream)
45	Buy the property to use for the Great Dane nonprofit.
40	Buy a house/condo together
35	Pay back both his student loans and mine fully
30	Complete our musical collaboration; pay off all our credit debt

Again, fairly ambitious, but I want to make sure we're both taken care of in the future and continue to strengthen our relationship. Of course, we will be taking a lot of vacations and traveling together with our work, but I wanted to set out some concrete relationship milestones for us to work toward.

And that's the plan!

So this is what I hope to accomplish. This long term goal list has me very excited. I'm looking forward to 45 now: Imagine it. Me: a huge muscular man with a big dick who is a musical theater composer and spends a large portion of his life meditating and working on outreach. A real catch. The best I can be. That's what I want for myself.

Later tonight or tomorrow I will post my goals and plan for the next three months which will be the first few steps of this lifelong journey. I will also post baseline pictures by which I can mark my progress.

I feel more energized about my life than I ever have before. This is it!

All the best,

j

Watch This Space

I have finally figured out the reason I started this blog and how I'm going to use it to further my path of self-discovery and self-improvement. I've been thinking over my life in detail lately. I've examined my patterns and I've found dozens of supposedly "pivotal moments" through my life when multiple decisions presented themselves to me, and I have very often taken what I now have determined is the wrong one. Here are a few examples (in no particular order):

• I quit the swim team at 14 and started working with computers instead. I stopped exercising completely.
• I almost rejoined the swim team in high school, but decided to take the advanced choir instead. I did no exercise.
• I faked an injury during the timed mile run in middle school because I was embarrassed at how physically unfit I was.
• I enjoyed lifting weights in middle school (and high school) but was too shy and embarrassed to tell anyone or pursue it on my own.
• I was beat up a lot on sports teams and in locker rooms as a kid, and was too embarrassed to seek help from adults. When I wrote a journal about getting beat up in 6th grade and a teacher asked if she could help, I refused her assistance.
• I was so desperate for peers that I ended up hanging out with a fat kid that beat me up. I started intentionally gaining weight so that I could be more like him in hopes that he would like me more. All the weight was fat, not muscle.
• I have been embarrassed and ashamed of my appearance since puberty, yet have done very little to make myself feel good about my looks.

I've tried to conquer these problems through psychotherapy, meditation, and self-medication with medical marijuana. Each of these tools has been partially effective, but my goal in each of them has been (for the most part) to understand why I am the way I am, not how to become who I want to be. The time to switch from passivity to activity is here.

I have now lived enough to look back and see how my choices at 14 have rippled through and changed my life almost 14 years later. And I can also see how three months ago, I started to make different decisions, and the changes have already started I'm talking about working out mostly regularly for three months, combined with a mostly careful diet. My body already looks different in the mirror, and I feel healthier than I ever have. I want to continue this progress forward. Looking backward is counterproductive.

At the top of the month, I attempted to stop masturbating with a multi-step plan, since I'd identified my unending masturbation as one of the things that's holding me back in my life. I'm now starting to think that it's merely a symptom of a larger problem in my self-perceptions. A lot of the time, I imagine goals for the future that I don't believe are attainable and masturbate holding that mental image. Mostly, it's a hot guy online that I'd like to sleep with. Other times it's when I look at pictures of men I want to look like. I get hard, masturbate, and then don't make any progress toward sleeping with that guy or looking like the other hot guy.

So over the next 11 days, I'm going to work up a comprehensive plan that will be a three-pronged approach to improving my life. I'm going to focus on specific things to improve my mind, body, and spirit. I will write out concrete goals for who I want to become over the next 10 years, and then I will break out separate concrete goals for 30, 35, and 40. Then I'll plan what steps I will take over the next three months to start me on my journey. In another three months I will reassess and plan. And daily, I will take note of any difficulties I experience, no matter how trivial, and how I overcame them.

The most important part of this for me is that I am going to be embracing my dreams. I am going to embrace all the things I want to be but I am afraid of, all the talents I am am scared to unleash, and all the desires I have repressed. I cannot go through my life being unhappy any longer; it's killing me. I want to be a fully realized person, and the only way to do that is to embrace all the things about myself I am afraid of. I will finally get what I want, and that scares me, but it's the only way worth going forward.

I am going to live my life without shame for the first time, and I'm going to live being excited about the future.

All the best,

j

Not quite succes... but not quite failure

It's no surprise to anyone who's read this that masturbation is going to be one of my continual struggles. Especially when I'm not happy about my current situation. I'm mostly pissed off about how my life is going, but have very little ability to change my direction right now. Every time I try to stop masturbating, it forces all my larger life problems into focus since masturbation is one of my main coping mechanisms.

Over the last week, while trying (and failing) to stop masturbating, I've become more and more aware of my pervasive unhappiness. I'm just not happy with how my life is going. I'm drowning in work I don't care much about, and if I spent all the time on that work that it deserves, I have none left for myself. So I need to find a new way to balance all these conflicting desires.

My proposal right now is this: I'm going to wake up every morning and try to stick to my morning routine of yoga, physical therapy exercises, meditation, breakfast, one hour to let things digest, a trip to the gym, and then a shower. After all that stuff to keep myself happy and healthy, I should be able to focus on my work for the rest of the day, provided I can promise myself that when the evening swings around and I am done with rehearsals, I will allow myself whatever leisure time I want. I'm going to be trying this out this week to see how it goes. My hope is that I have enough self control to last through the day and that my evening relaxation will be enough to keep my desires in balance and my discouragement in check.

Best,

j

October Goal: Quit Masturbating

After reading Leo's blog post on Zen habits entitled 29 Ways to Successfully Ingrain a Behavior, I've decided to give it a shot and attempt to quit masturbating during the month of October.

Start day: October 1, 2009

End day: October 31, 2009

Reasons:

1. My dick is chronically calloused, and I want the sensitivity back, not to mention the smoother texture and softer skin.
2. My sex life with my boyfriend is subpar, and masturbation stands in the way of a healthier sex life with him.
3. I have never found anyone online while masturbating that I have felt was worth pursuing for more than a one-night stand. Any repeated encounters were out of desperation, which demeans me and the guy I'm hooking up with.
4. It is my principal waste of time and main method of coping with anxiety. There are plenty of other things that I could spend my time on.
5. This is my most ingrained habit, and beating it will empower me to change other things in my life.
6. I find the habit to be embarrassing.

Obstacles:

1. Masturbation is my go-to activity with a complicated network of triggers and rationalizations reinforced over the past 10-12 years.
2. I have tried to quit before without success for more than a week.
3. I enjoy doing it, and am addicted to it.
4. I have not developed any hobbies that are as lazy or self-gratifying as masturbation.

Triggers	Replacement
Waking up horny	Morning routine (phys therapy, yoga, meditation)
Boredom	Review to-do list, do an activity, clean the apartment, read,e etc.
Fatigue	Go to bed
Hunger	Eat a healthy snack
Thirst	Drink
Loneliness	Say hi to a friend on facebook, journal
Stress/Anxiety	Meditate, yoga, exercise
Hookup sites and porn	Avoid them
Talking to tempting men online	Excuse myself from conversation, change the subject, quit the chat

Mantra: Sex, not masturbation.

Rewards Initiate sex with Wes, playing video games guilt free, read books for pleasure, final reward on November 7th: Romantic evening out with Wes for our anniversary

Situations to avoid Chatting online, porn, hookup sites

So that's the plan overall. I'm still looking for an online support forum, but I doubt I'll even have time to post over the next month. The only thing I'm really worried about this next month is my anxiety running out of control and damaging my ability to do all the work that's on my plate. But I think that if at the first sign of anxiety I meditate for 10 minutes, I'll be able to focus again.

I intend to post regular updates here, so wish me luck!

All the best,

j

The road gets more busy and bumpy

I always know I'm not doing well mentally when I'm not able to continue writing and I let my paperwork get backed up at home. I finally have work, but it doesn't pay anything near what I hoped, and it's a very odd schedule. My days are pretty packed to the point that I don't have any time to relax, let alone see my boyfriend. We've been ships in the night for most of this week. By the time I get home, he's in bed, and I'm still sleeping when he gets up and leaves for work. It sucks, and it's going to be like this for a while.

I went surfing for the first time this past Monday and really loved it. I'm looking forward to going out again soon if I can make the time. I enjoyed surfing more than I've enjoyed most of what I've done for the past few months for sure, and probably even longer. I'm very interested in cultivating surfing as one of my go-to leisure activities. I want to live a more active lifestyle with less time just goofing off at home, and I think activities like surfing are going to be very important for getting me out of the house.

Of course, to pursue activities like this, it takes time and money, and these are both things that I don't have at all. So I've decided that it's time to settle down and get a house gig somewhere. It would mean I put my freelancing career on hiatus and just focus on working a "real theater job" for several years, at least. That would hopefully allow me to pay off my bills with some stability, get decent health insurance, and give me some free time to pursue my own interests. I'd really love to not have any designs on my plate while working a steady theatrical job. It sounds like a dream to me at the moment.

I'm doing what I can at the moment to land a house job, but in the meantime I'm still going to land whatever freelance gigs I can find to keep busy even though the pay is so low. Hopefully a good house audio job will present itself to me in the next few weeks. There's one that may turn over at any point that I have my sights set on, and if it opens up I'm going to do whatever I can to grab it.

Best,

j

Turning over the next card

During the first year my boyfriend and I were dating, we started a tradition on/around our birthdays for which he would do a year-long reading. It's a 15-card spread that contains one card for every month of the year, the forces working for and against you for the year, and the feeling of the year.

Taken in whole, this year's spread is a very good spread with some obvious warnings. The tower comes up in a few months, and I've been warned about falling into my old habits and traps. This is why I am trying so hard to overcome them--I see myself as a person who is mostly succeeding, but in moments of doubt I am completely held hostage by my wandering attention span and inability to focus on complicated tasks for long periods of time when not working in the presence of others. Unemployment has not been kind to me, nor has it made my goal of overcoming myself very easy.

August: The Hermit

Last months' card was the Hermit. The Hermit is a card of introspection and a desire for solitude. Either intentionally or accidentally, I have lived the hermit's role this past month. I've usually only ventured out after dusk, and I've been involved in intense introspection trying to figure out what my goals and my path in life are. At the end of the month, I do not believe I have reached any concrete answers.

However, that is not to say I have not made any progress. I think I've realized finally that there are no concrete solutions. There is no clearly defined path to follow. There is only karma. To change my path forward, I need to change my actions in the present. The past does not matter because it is behind. The goal is to live every day as if I have woken up for my first day. I have a set of knowledge, a set of patterns, and a body. If the patterns are maladaptive, I need to change them in the moment, not examine the reasons why my patterns are broken or plan the future that will exist if I do or not make changes. The purpose of every day is to live in that day, make the best choices possible, and that's it. Eventually, the patterns that held me back will weaken as new ones arise.

September: The Ace of Cups

Here is an interpretation of the Ace of Cups from the Aeclectic Tarot:

Emotions rising up for new love. This usually indicates that the querent is feeling a new welling of emotion or beginning to have some vivid dreams. They're not writing the poetry yet, but they feel the desire to, or they may have caught sight of a figure across a room and felt a tug at their heart. They've lifted the cup and they want to drink from it.

I believe this is my month to seize and cultivate change in my daily life. This is the month to meditate, to keep up to date and in advance of my creative projects, and to keep the gates of introspection wide open so new discoveries can be made. I have some work scheduled this month, so learning to juggle my personal goals with work will be very important before the firestorm of work scheduled for October hits.

I can't believe August is over, but it's time to keep moving forward into the uncharted territory of post-grad.

All the best,

j

What a difference a day can make

I hit a new low Monday and Tuesday. I was incredibly depressed on Monday and didn't really do anything all day except for smoke, exercise, masturbate, and get dicked around by UPS customer support. My boyfriend went to bed before me because he was exhausted from work, so I got high and then smoked salvia. The increased high (with some hallucination) was interesting, but it was far from the calm, peaceful high I was hoping for. I slept very fitfully that evening, and think I had some pretty intense dreams, but I don't remember any full images from them.

Tuesday brought what seemed like nothing but disappointments. The show I've been working on and performing in got picked up by a conference in Orlando, but the dates overlap the only other gig I've managed to book this Fall, and the conference doesn't seem to be able to pay us (and wouldn't be able to match the money I'm making on this other gig). I'm used to my schedule blissfully falling into place and getting whatever I want.

I was in a horrible mood, and felt really awful about myself. After my intense trip Monday evening, I didn't want to smoke anything. My boyfriend and I had an argument that turned into a heart-to-heart about the difficulties we're going through financially and emotionally. That combined with the book I've been reading, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying made me realize that all the problems I am having in my life are due simply to the negative outlook I've chosen to embrace. I've been working very hard with improving my outlook on athletic pursuits because I've noticed it allows me to perform better, but it hasn't tracked into my day to day life yet.

I went for a run, and what I realized while running is that the voice I hear in my head, the voice I identify as "me" is not my conscience, it is my ego. I—like most others it seems—have allowed my ego to run my life and make my decisions. It's not that I've acted immorally on every decision I've made. Some of the time, I do make the right decision. But most of the time, that decision is compromised by my ego and thus my desires.

I stopped meditating around the time I started to dig myself deep into credit debt. During Thanksgiving break on my first semester of grad school, I went shopping with some of my new friends from CalArts and ended up spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on a completely new wardrobe. All this was because a person who I had known for only a few months told me that the way I dressed didn't reflect who I was. So I went out and bought clothes who made me look like who I wanted to be. I didn't fix the problem I intended to, but the correct answer to this impulse is, what does it matter if someone else thinks my clothes do not match "who I am." I've always been uncomfortable with how I looked, and the real irony is that I felt I looked the best I had up to that point. By succumbing to the temptation of solving internal problems with external purchases, I paved over that problem with several that were much worse: debt, lies, and self-loathing. To this day I haven't worn some of those clothes more than a handful of times, and most of them do not fit anymore.

The only way to escape from ego that I have found is meditation. I will write a more in depth post about meditation in the future, but the basic idea is to sit with neutral posture, focus on your breathing, and whenever conscious though arises (i.e. whenever that voice in your head starts talking) identify the though without judgement and let it go by saying the word "thinking" to yourself, and then return your focus to your breath. It is a very difficult practice, but it will create a sense of spaciousness that is freeing.

Try it. It's difficult, but with practice, the ego voice begins to weaken. Unfortunately, ego is clever, and will fight back any chance it gets. And it plays dirty. But take heart: when the ego flares up, identify it with the word "thinking" and let it go.

All the best,

j

Continuing Forward

I'm taking my second real stab at adulthood, the first being in 2005 when I graduated from college. Back then, I had no debt, had a dead end job that I hated, hit a dead-end on one career, and was very lonely. I lived by myself and was out of a relationship for most of that year. I made myself miserable from graduation in May 2005 to March 2006. March 2006 brought around grad school acceptances, touring campuses, and a general uplifting of spirits as I realized that I could leave the awful stagnation I found myself in.

Grad school is now finished, and I find myself back in the same pit. I realize now that I never left—in fact I probably dug a bit deeper. I let the same bad habits I developed during my undergrad years settle in a little deeper, and I mostly stopped doing the things that were helping me at the first sign of discouragement. That includes meditation, careful budgeting, and regular exercise. In retrospect, I can say I was half-assing those things even when I was outside of school for that year.

Now I'm doing a bit better I think. I still masturbate way too much, but I'm working out regularly, am beginning to reign my debt back into my control, and just started practicing the piano regularly. I think I've finally realized that self-improvement is not a one-day affair. Only if I'm disciplined and dedicated will I ever make any improvements in my life.

There's a strong part of my that does not want to get better and create new good habits at the expense of the bad ones. This is a part of me that I have seceded much power to over my lifetime, and it is very hesitant to give back any ground. I think in the Christian world this part of me would be called the Devil. It is definitely a tempting voice, and it very much does not want me to understand its overall goals and reasons.

However, I can say several things for certain:

1. Masturbation is not a skill employers care about
2. Distraction has never finished a project
3. Laziness has never lost weight
4. Spendthrift is never prepared for the future

It takes discipline to mold a personality, and time for that discipline to bear fruit. I need to be more patient with myself and simultaneously be on guard for backsliding.

All the best,

j

The Clouds Part, a bit

I was incredibly down yesterday, mostly because I was refusing to smoke because I was upset about spending money and was trying to deprive myself of anything that I felt was costing me money. Basically, I was making myself miserable for no good reason.

I started thinking about things a little more rationally last evening, and I realized that things aren't as bad as I've been making out. With credit and savings, we have about a two month buffer if neither of us gets any work and I don't manage to sell my motorcycle.

I don't know what will happen over the next few months, and there's no way to predict. However, that doesn't mean I need to deprive myself of the things that keep me sane. We have very few luxuries we're allowing ourselves. I figure that the things I need right now to keep me sane are Netflix, Internet, my boyfriend, regular exercise, and medical marijuana. We're trying to contain our smoking and I believe we're at a reasonable level. The rest of the material things we're holding close come at a flat rate, minus the electricity we need to power things. So all in all, I think we're definitely attempting to live within our means.

I don't think we're living excessively, and I don't think we need to cut very far back on our standard of living. We're only buying two buck Chuck to drink, and no more than two bottles per week. We're slowing the fall to the point of no return. And I don't think that there is anything else we can do in this economic climate.

I also realized that I need to spend more time on my creative endeavors because I've really let that drive slide. I need to force myself to do an hour of composition or sound work every day, and let good habits extend from there.

And everything else I will just have to play by ear.

All the best,

j

Hard to stay positive

I got an interview for one of the many jobs I applied to over the past few weeks. I had to take a test online to qualify for this interview, my resume and degrees were not enough to secure employment. Bear in mind, I have both a B.A. and an M.F.A. in addition to a high school diploma, and I submitted a resume for this position and a cover letter. While this alone does not imply that I am an intelligent person, the lack of spelling and grammar mistakes in my cover letter should indicate that I am.

The test was in two parts. The first was a mini SAT. There were 50 questions that I was to answer in 15 minutes. I got through about 36 of them. I had to answer analogies, choose words to complete sentences, do basic arithmetic, and answer questions that involved multiple percentages and variables. The only thing missing from the test was a reading comprehension section.

The second test was a personality test. I decided to channel a more optimistic version of myself to answer its questions. Basically, I pretended I was high, which tends to dull the pain of the futility of these past few weeks. This test consisted of 30-50 statements that I had to rank based on how closely I identified with each on a scale of 1 (always) to 5 (never).

I must have passed the test, because I received a phone call about an hour after I finished. Now I have to go to the president's house to finish my interview. I received his address (with no name or business information) in an e-mail (that, ironically, included a few misspellings). The address is in the Palisades, which is at minimum over an hour drive.

I am so desperate for work that I must drive well over an hour to interview off-site for a company president who cares enough to interview an entry-level IT worker in person but does not care enough to leave his million dollar home (the property the house is on was sold for $650,000 in 2003 according to public records via Google, so I am assuming it has appreciated with the bubble since then) to go into work. If I do not get the position, I am going to be pissed.

I put my motorcycle on craigslist yesterday. I put two SLR lenses on eBay yesterday and an electronic music computer interface on today that should fetch a few hundred bucks. I finished the household budget, so I now know that even if I get the job, we're still not nearly making enough to survive. We can't figure out what else to cut because the majority of the expenses are going to rent, groceries (I just did comparison shopping between Ralph's and Trader Joe's today to make sure that we were spending close to minimum on food), and vehicle maintenance.

I feel like there's no way out of this mess and that I've wasted the past three years of my life getting an MFA that I can't afford to buy a frame for.

j

Mindfulness

I started my day with a short 10 minute meditation session to increase my mindfulness. I have not smoked yet today because the day is in flux and still needs to be fully planned. But yesterday I thought a lot about my situation. I have a bad habit of taking excess leisure time and not focusing on the tasks at hand. I let distraction rule my life.

I am a product of the digital age. I have an iPhone which is set to check my mail every hour and also receive push mail from MobileMe. I have my desktop mail program check every five minutes or so, a news aggregator that refreshes a list of 40 or so news feeds every hour, and a twitter client that pulls from 20 twitter feeds. I pretty much invite distraction into my routine with no filters.

Mindfulness—what is it?

In psychological terms, I would equate the eastern idea of "mindfulness" with the western idea of the "super-ego." This is the portion of the mind that oversees and directs actions. Mindfulness is something that needs to be exercised, or else it ceases to function. Excess masturbation tends to be a problem for me because the drive to masturbate (which would be focused in the id) is more powerful than my super-ego's desire to moderate it.

This is something I'm working on changing. I noticed yesterday that my mindfulness had gotten a bit stronger for reasons I don't quite understand. What I mean by this is I was able to notice when my drive to masturbate was about to engage, short-circuit it, and then take a step back and look at what triggered that instinct.

So far, I have been able to recognize that a lot of the time I want to masturbate I'm not even horny. I want to masturbate when I am bored, lonely, feel inadequate, or feel jealous of someone else and their life or accomplishments. Masturbation seems to be my go-to state to distract myself from anything that makes me feel uncomfortable about myself. Oddly I also want to masturbate while listening to a really romantic song by a male artist. I don't remember the particular details of the track data, but I remember that I was trying to quash my romantic response to the song with masturbation. I guess I really am a romantic at heart when I let myself be.

How to Increase Mindfulness

I'm working on this right now. The first thing it takes is an honest decision to take any path that seems like a valid way to approach greater concentration. This is a recognition that paths that lead to change may be very uncomfortable. It's also a recognition that I am choosing paths without knowing whether that path will be beneficial, but I am going to stick with the path for as long as I can t see what change happens along the way. I know I can always backtrack if I need to, but the path to true change is going to require taking some steps that may need to be permanent modifications of my behavior.

The first thing I've done is broken my day up into definite sections. There is a "morning routine" section in which I wake up, stretch, do some yoga, meditate, and prepare breakfast. While eating breakfast, I sit at the computer and connect to all my distractions. I allow all the news for the day and e-mails pour into my computer, and as I eat, I go through all of them. I take care of all next actions that arise out of the news: I read all articles, watch videos, click on any links that interest me, and apply to any jobs and gigs that appear.

Then I turn it all off. I close the twitter feeds and news aggregator, log out of facebook, turn off e-mail checking on my phone, and take my mail client offline. This becomes a time for me to create and focus on tasks without distraction. I am accepting that I will not be the first applicant for any jobs that come in, I will not know about any news, and I will not be distracted by any friends. My cell phone is still on, so I can receive phone calls. I am also still connected to the Internet, so any active research I want to do is available. The important thing is that I have disabled all passive gathering of information. Nothing (except a phone call) can come into my world to distract me unless I allow it. The world will be there when I want it.

It's that easy

But it's not: this is just the point I'm at today. I really want to make this change. There is a large part of my being fighting against this at the moment, but I am not letting it take the reigns today. I am planning to alternate between well-defined periods of taking in information from the world and creating new things will give me the focus I need in my unstructured unemployment. Hopefully this will satiate the part of myself that hungers for information and distraction while giving me the space to create and accomplish the things I want to.

It's working so far, and it's almost noon. Only twelve more hours to go!

All the best,

j

Depression

Today is a day I would have relished a few months ago. I have very little that needs to be done and the rest of the day is open time that I can spend on my projects. I can't seem to get my spirits up (I haven't smoked yet today, so that, unfortunately, may be why).

When I first went to get my medical marijuana card, I did it because I wanted to have easy, legal access to high-quality weed. I felt like I was gaming the system. When I got into the doctor's office (who specialized in giving out the marijuana prescriptions) and I filled out the checklist of my symptoms, I began to realize that I wasn't lying and I did use it as a medication even in the past. I have a diagnosed history of depression, and undiagnosed issues with anxiety.

While on the road trip at the beginning July, I met a lot of my boyfriend's friends. He mentioned that I had a card, and they all wanted to hear about how I got it and what it was like to go to a dispensary. I told the story with bravado, highlighting that I marked down depression and anxiety as the reasons I got the card. Of course, since I was high while telling the story, I had no symptoms for either of these issues, and the story comes off like I gamed the system. On the second or third retelling, it suddenly struck me that the depression and anxiety was absolutely not a lie, and I was legitimately using the marijuana for medicating those particular problems.

To anyone who implies (or just states) that marijuana is addictive, has no medicinal benefit, or produces slackers who do not contribute to society, I say this: Marijuana helps me feel normal. It helps me go out into society. I always exercise high because it helps my focus and removes my social anxiety and my anxiety about gyms. I have quit smoking cold turkey for weeks at a time with no side effects, so I do not believe I am addicted. I have been doing my job hunt high some of the time because that is the only way I have been able to set aside my perceived self-worth and just fill out the application for a jobs I am overqualified for or uninterested in (and I have received not a single offer in the past few weeks).

So let's hear it for California and medical marijuana. I cannot afford (nor do I want) psychiatric treatment or medication right now, so I would be at the mercy of my depression and anxiety if it wasn't for weed. Marijuana isn't for everyone, but it sure is for me.

j

A good list of things to do to jump-start creativity

This great list of ways to get your creative motor running (and more efficiently too) is from Zenhabits. I've found that my trouble is making the decision to begin creative output. For some reason in me there is a psychological hurdle there still. I have no idea why.

Guess I have more issues to excavate.

j

Cary Tennis: Advice to 20-somethings who feel lost in the world

I'm an on and off fan of Cary's. I tend to only read his column when the byline in my newsreader catches my eye. When I read an opinion of his, I usually wholeheartedly agree. Today's column was one of the gems because I feel it spoke to my exact situation (and also functions as advice for my entire generation.

Here's the portion of his article that resonates with me the most:

If I were you, I might be a little angry that my culture neglected to tell me the truth about these things, that my education did not prepare me for adversity. I might be upset that I had not gained an understanding of economic forces, of class forces, of the way power is wielded in hidden ways in the workplace, how we are led to believe that things will be easy when they are actually hard. I might be angry that I did not study how advertising and popular culture portray a world in which problems can be solved instantly, by making certain purchases or wearing certain clothes.

I am angry at my culture. I feel the implicit and explicit promises of success, well-being, and comfortable excess have poisoned my generation. As I look at my enormous debt, I'm realizing that this wasn't a promise, this was a devil's bargain.

When a student leaves home and heads for college, he or she is bombarded with the world without a filter, in many cases for the first time. A fortunate student has been taught by his family and teachers to be smart, buckle down and study, manage finances, and avoid debt wherever possible. But there are other teacher's in this student's life: mass media and television. They teach us that the spoiled, bratty people are the winners because they have the life we can only imagine. Consumption, greed, inflated self-importance—these are the things that are held on a pedestal for our entertainment. And then comes the commercial break, where we are shown the products that will help us get to this state of consumer bliss.

I do not blame the entertainment industry solely for this: the banks are a larger part of the problem. The banks show you that credit is easy to obtain as long as you fit within a certain class of society: middle class city dweller. The cost is a mountain of debt which locks you into indentured servitude. Bankruptcy is no longer an easy option thanks to the Bush regime. The banks are no longer on the hook for their own decisions, the "blame" and penalties for credit abuse are shifted to the consumer's shoulders.

Credit greases the wheels of an infernal machine. The naïve college student, fresh faced to the world, cannot immediately see the dangers of the banking industry. I have fallen victim to its siren call on more than one occasion. But I feel this is the last time. In my adult life, I have lived under moderate debt while a student, debt-free while out of school, and now in crushing debt while out of school. With the possible exception of educational loans (as soon as I get a job, I'll clear them of complicity), debt is something to avoid at all turns if humanly possible.

Cary ends his article with this insight:

You are beginning to see that much of what you have assumed to be true is false. That is a good thing. Now you must begin to replace your assumptions with a more balanced view.

That takes a lifetime.

I feel like my finally finishing school, most likely permanently, and coming face to face with my life problems is changing me and making me an adult. At 27, I'm finally coming of age. This seems extremely late to me, but for my generation, the realization that life is difficult, offers huge challenges, and that the ache from unfulfillment cannot be soothed with material goods is one that is learned much later in life—too late by many standards. But it is a lesson that is necessary for a person to take the reigns and be fully responsible for himself or herself.

j

Gives Me Hope

I'm a big fan of sites that let people post quick blurbs about the interesting things they encounter during the day. I'm thinking about sites like FMyLife and Not Always Right. However, I came across another site called Gives Me Hope that is about the things people do that gave a person hope in... well, that's not really clear. Humanity? Kindness? Common decency? It doesn't really matter, because all the posts make you feel good about you and your life. Check if out, it'll cheer you up.

j

Trying to decide what to make of this

Sorry for not posting for a few days. By my recollection, they've been mostly busy, a bit up and down, mostly on track but some of them have been far off. During the past few days, I have started to successfully avoid most porn and hookup sites with only the occasional slip-up (and as a net result, I'm wasting a lot less time masturbating than I have before this week). The boyfriend and I have had some amazing sex and some shouting matches. The stress in the household is high and I think it's just going to be that way until I get some work again.

On the employment front, I have sent out resumes every single day for work even remotely related to my field. I have reapplied for a position at a well-known electronics retail and service chain, so we'll see if any leads come from that. So far, nobody has sent so much as a reply e-mail or a single response. That's the hardest part of this: I feel like a complete failure, even though I know this is just a temporary situation. I'm having a lot of trouble getting past the idea that, I've made a major mistake in my life that I am paying for now. So I've resolved to write and post things in this blog that motivate me and keep me going, while keeping in touch with the desire to keep a pulse on my own progress along the way.

I'm going to try a new model that involves shorter, but more frequent post, so pretty much at any point I feel I have something to share, I'm going to put it on here. I will also check in every few days with a personal post specifically about my own struggles, failures, and successes.

Wish me luck, and I will wish you the best on your journey as well. I am very well aware I have no readership at this point, but I'm hoping that at some point my writing will provide some comfort to others out there who are struggling. And if you have a point of self-recognition with an impulse to share, please don't hesitate to post a comment. It will brighten my day, I promise you, and I will try to respond as much as possible.

All the best,

j

Finally, a focused day

Today has been a great day so far. First of all, it's a day off from working out. I actually did seven days straight because Friday was my day off last week. So this is a guilt-free way for me to enjoy the fact that I've worked out hard in the gym for three weeks, only taking one day off each week. That's an achievement since I have only worked out steadily for a month before this routine.

Secondly, today has been a day of no porn. I woke up a few hours before my boyfriend, and I actually spent the time working on projects that are on my to do list and applied for another gig. Since I leave to see a show in about a half hour, I know today is going to be a porn-free day. I even got some shower action from my boyfriend, which was a nice change of pace. It's funny that I shy away from that kind of affection a lot of the time, but I was all for it today. Maybe not going to the hookup sites is already bringing an improvement?

Today ended up being very good because I started the day by looking at my list of things to do instead of looking at porn and hookup sites. Blocking them is starting to pay off, and it's only the second or third day. At least something seems to be looking up.

Now I'm off to eat a snack and get ready to see show tonight (comped tickets because the boyfriend is working it).

All the best,

j

Dealing with Boredom

Today has had its ups and downs. My boyfriend works tonight, so I'll have the whole evening by myself. Normally, this would involve looking at getting high, looking at porn, and attempting to hook up. All those options are currently blocked on my computer. I still want to jack off very badly, and I have a few times today, but it's getting progressively more boring and frustrating as I keep adding the sites I'm loading to the block list when I'm done. One of the biggest remaining sites is Craigslist, but I can't block that because I'm using it to search for work.

While I'm just a bit anxious and angry at my boredom so far, it's sinking in how many hours I must have wasted over the past 10 or 11 years, especially as masturbation became an ingrained habit. But this is something I'm trying not to think about because it isn't productive. The only important thing is that I go forward and try to use the time in my boredom for something—anything—that's not masturbation. Like the blog, or one of the many items on my huge to-do list.

That's all for today I think. I'm a bit down because I keep applying for jobs that I know I'm qualified for and hearing absolutely nothing back. It's incredibly discouraging, but I'm going to keep applying until something happens. But in addition to applying for work we're also going to be shopping around the musical I've worked on to see if any small venues are interested in having us. That will at least provide some kind of break from the current monotony. All the same, nothing has turned up yet.

It's hard to keep moving forward through this, but I don't think I have any other options.

Best,

j

Finding the routes to success through failure

I'm recognizing finally that I'm trying to solve a lot of life problems all at once. This is not going to be an easy process, nor should it be. I'm trying to break attitudes and habits that I've held for about 10 years. This includes procrastination, fear of my creative process, excessive masturbation, promiscuity, general laziness, and poor diet. I have had some successes in these areas for the past few weeks, most notably in the exercise area. For the past two weeks (and into a third) I have managed to exercise at least 30-45 minutes a day for six days a week. I haven't really lost any weight yet, but I do feel a bit better and more in touch with my body.

My largest target is capping my masturbation and promiscuity. Yesterday, I blocked all the websites I frequently jack off to or attempt to hook up on. eHow has a great tutorial on how to block access to websites on a mac that I used as a refresher for how to quickly do it. The effects are instant and now every time I try to access those sites, I'm greeted with my business website's homepage. Quick, free, and effective. If I want to access those sites I have to manually edit a text file to gain access.

This has worked fairly well today so far, except for a few sites I forgot. I also never did offload the porn on my hard drive so I'm going to collect it all and do so after I post this. So I did end up masturbating a bit today, but I did not look at the hookup sites so I'm calling it a victory for the day and shoring up the defenses a bit. Any site I accessed in pursuit of getting off I added to the block list. I think this is actually going to work in the long term.

I applied to two gigs today. I'm not sure if they'll pay or not, but they're in line with my career goals, so I figured at the very least they'll give me something to occupy myself with so I'm not here thinking about how little money or prospects I have but I actually spend my time doing something.

And with that, I am calling today's entry complete as I go forward productively.

All the best,

j

Another day not quite wasted

My boyfriend is at work all day which has me a bit depressed at home. It's now after 5, so the post office is closed, so I ended up not doing the one thing he asked me to take care of today. I can get the item ready to ship but I can't get it in the mail.

I'm pretty depressed today, and quite frankly afraid to look at my finances. There are so many things in my life that need immediate attention and I'm wasting my time treading water and getting anxious about the problems instead of dealing with them. So I'm going to try something right now: I'm going to enter a bunch of my receipts in and see if I can get them all posted by 7 p.m. when it's time for me to get ready to work out. That way at least I'll have accomplished a portion of the work that I need to do before I take the major activity break for the evening (since I've been a slug today).

Before I go and begin to comb through my receipts and finances, I have taken a protective step against future masturbation and hookups. I've blocked the websites I usually go to in search of hookups in the /etc/hosts file. What this means (for non-nerds) is that any time I try to go to adam4adam or Manhunt, I get redirected to a locally hosted copy of my portfolio website. Every time I go to jack off I'll see my bio, picture, and resume. That's a bit of a deterrent and should help me refocus. Also, I'm archiving all my porn onto an external hard drive so it should be harder to get to and will provide less of a distraction.

I'm sorry I'm not providing some in depth look at what I'm going through today; I jacked off a lot and hooked up this morning in my depression and I'm just embarrassed, drained, and angry with myself. Only by holding these patterns and tendencies to the light and actively working to curtail them will I succeed.

So onward to financial tracking.

Best,

j

Underwater

I'm beginning to think that the creation of this blog was the act of some deeper lever in my psche. It's as if something deep inside said to me that I was going through a very tough time and needed to publicly document the process because that a blog worked for you the last time you went through a real crisis of self.

These past couple of weeks I've felt like I was trying to climb to some height so that when I looked down everything would make sense. Instead, it seems I've been tunneling. I hit rock bottom, and then it gave way and I fell into an underground pool. All I have left to do is look up and see the light above. So what I've been doing is looking and documenting the light above.

But the trouble is that I have to look away from the light so my eyes can adjust to my surroundings. I have to figure out how to get out of the pool and back up to the hole so I can climb out. I need to let my eyes adjust to the darkness so I can see what is around me right now to help me.

What now?

The ignored messes in my life have been competing for attention. Yesterday, my financial problems surfaced and informed me that if I do not start planning for the future right now, I will have to make some very hard decisions in the future. Whatever I can do to cushion that blow is going to help me out. I have enough money (and credit remaining, which I'm loath to dig into at the moment) to continue to live the way I am for approximately another three months. If, after one month I cannot honestly say my financial prospects are looking up (i.e. I have steady income), I am going to put my motorcycle up for sale.

That will signal the end of a lot of things for me. The end of my 20s (about 3 years too early) and the end of a my youth. That bike has the wild part of my soul in it, a part of myself I'm trying to understand and get a hold of before it destroys me.

Wild Thang

My wild side... it's the part of me that wants to go out and have lots of sex. It wants to flaunt what it has. It wants to do drugs to get high and experience the chace. It's self-destructive in pretty stereotypical ways. Luckily, I'm a wimp in a lot of ways, so it hasn't been able to convince me to do that much.

Honestly though, this is a side of me that has rarely steered me wrong. I legitimately enjoy the thrills, am still functional, and have never been in jail. I want to take big risks, and I do sometimes. Unprotected sex (very rarely, less than once a year now), experimenting with controlled substances (fun, but could land me in jail some day), the motorcycle (accident == death | severe injury), and plenty of other things I'm probably not aware of.

Where did all the money go?

You see, I'm in severe money problems right now. Well, not right now, right now I'm just in bad straights. Severe problems happens in September, when, if nothing turns around, I'll have sold the bike and will need to move on a budget to a cheaper apartment in L.A. god knows where.

I'm not entirely sure where these problems came from. Grad school attributes to them in a major way. But I have general credit card problems too; a significant amount of debt actually. For most months for the past three years I have spent more money than I have made. I'm not sure where it goes.

I'm looking around to see what I spent the money on. I have a MacBook Pro that I'm using right now, and there's an iPhone to my left. I have a Wii and about 12 games, most of which were purchased from half.com or Gamestop used. I have a motorcycle. I have a lot of software. I own a car, but it was 75% purchased with the equity of my old car. I have an MFA from an art institute. I have some expensive clothes that don't fit anymore.

I have a lot of software. I buy all the software I use for work because I want to make sure the companies I like don't go under. I also want to make sure I can ask for support when things go off the rails (since there will be a record of me as a paying customer for now multiple generations of each software title, for what it's worth). I have some expensive plug-ins for my music work. I think a large portion of the money over the past three years was software expenses to make sure I was well set up and had good tools. I recognized early on that the better the tools were, the better my result was. Better tools seem to help someone with good skills more than someone with bad skills. So in those respects, I think my software purchases are a bit excessive, but mostly valid. Since graduating I have significantly scaled back my software purchases to upgrades only, and now I can't even afford that.

Then there are the intangibles: I went without making my own meals too often. I've probably smoked around $1-2k. Then there are the gym memberships I didn't use. Oh, and the expensive car and motorcycle insurance. The brief period I shopped at Whole Foods. Going out to movies every once in a while. Gasoline expenses for travel. Oh, the road trip. Lots of alcohol (but we're drinking at home! think of how much we're actually saving -- HA). Lots of months I paid for all household expenses for my boyfriend, including rent.

But it's not like I wasn't working at all. I was. But every month almost without fair I spent more than I made. So by definition I was living in excess of my means. I'm looking back and it all seems so stupid and such a waste. I'm going to run through my quicken data and see if I can get a more exact breakdown of where my money has gone.

I've got to stop living outside my means, and I know that's going to mean a contraction of what I'm spending as well as an increase in what I'm bringing in and less leisure while I'm at it. I'm going to have to work harder on all levels. Or else I'm going to have to make more sacrifices than I'm prepared to; and we may end up leaving L.A. even sooner than we're expecting.

Whatever happens in the future, it's going to be a long climb upward, and I'm going to have to keep focused on the work and not look up to see how far I have to climb.

Best,

j