It begins again

I'm going to attempt to blog one more time. I never put much of an effort into it, but it has stayed hidden in the back of my mind for a few reasons. I had an online journal I used to post to when I was a 19 year old college student back in 2002. I had just submitted myself to the university's counseling services after seriously contemplating suicide, which was catalyzed after a breakup with an emotionally abusive boyfriend on New Year's Day in New York City. It was a life turning point, and I felt very liberated to share so many personal details with the world. It was followed religiously by a few gay students at my undergrad, but never received any greater interest. In this journal I attempted to understand my life and figure out my drives and motivations. I was incredibly lonely during the first part of this period, but then met another boy who I fell deeply in love with. I stopped journaling in public because my blog was not anonymous, and then moved all my writing to a private journal that I have maintained off and on since May 9, 2002.

This private journal of mine catalogs all my major relationships and realizations that came out of my undergrad years. There are some major gaps in it, but the journal now totals 325 pages and almost 210,000 words. I am proud of this journal because it helped me work through a number of life plans and issues, but I am ashamed of it because I do not feel I have grown as much as I could have in the time I wrote it. There are several revisions of my life plans, and at least half a dozen false starts toward self-actualization

Why now?

A few reasons I'm going to give the online blog another fair shake:

1. I recently graduated from an MFA program. This program was a terminal degree in my field, there is no more studying to do. I feel fully prepared to work in my chosen field, but my interest has begun to wane, and there is almost no work to be had because of the tough economic climate. I'm staring down over $100k in debt, and while I am grateful for the life experience I've gained this past year, I am not happy or healthy.
2. However, there are exciting projects on the horizon. I am a composer and a musician (not exactly what I went to grad school for), and have recently completed the first stage of a project that I am proud (and a little scared) to call Good. I am preparing to bet a large portion of my future success on this project, but know deep down that in my current habits I am not ready to commit to it.
3. I stumbled upon a blog by Joel Gabriel that opened my eyes. He's struggled with the same bad habits that I have my entire life in much the same way I have. His posts are an inspiration and lit a fire under me. However, I have not summoned the drive to walk in his footsteps alone; I am hoping some public accountability will help me.
4. Finally, I made a promise to myself that I would change my life. I want to, and there is a small fire inside me to do so. I need somewhere to allow it grow so all the bad habits and insecurities (the weeds, if you will) can be burned away, allowing the healthier, stronger growth a space in which to thrive.

What are my goals?

My goals for this blog are a bit multifaceted.

• I want to stop masturbating.
• I want to sublimate my sexual energy into creative energy.
• I want to undertake penis enlargement and other sexual exercises (similar to Joel's) and track my progress.
• I want to track my fitness and health as I work my way into a healthier lifestyle.
• I want a place to showcase my creative work as I work to develop my voice.
• I want to get my finances in order before my student loans are called in.
• I want to eventually integrate this semi-private and anonymous forum with my public life so I can live as an integrated individual.

In my last public blog I worked very hard to preserve my identity. I'm not going to work as hard at that this time around since I firmly believe that the things I intend to work on here do not demonstrate any weakness or failing in myself or my character. Rather, this blog is my strength. This is the formal demonstration of my will and determination to improve myself.

Last words for the day

I was recently at a workshop to help improve the creative piece I was talking about earlier. In this piece, I've had to move from the more behind the scenes positions I'm used to (theatrical sound technician/designer/composer) to the forefront (composer/performer). This is a very difficult transition for me. I always want to be perfect, I never think that what I'm doing is good enough to present to other people. But I was proved wrong during the workshop; everyone loved the piece I was working on, and everyone loved my music and my performance of my music. It took me completely by surprise. You see, I've always wanted that kind of spotlight but never thought I deserved it.

Leslie Cararra-Rudolph helped me get to this place. She is most famous as the voice of Abby Cadabby on Sesame Street. She told me she has experienced a lot of death and loss in her life, including a brother and a dearly loved comedy partner. She told me she approaches everything she does in life as the last time she will do that thing, so she give everything she does the best shot she can in the moment because it is the last time she will ever do that thing. She recommended I find an item, or get a piercing, or tattoo, find something that will remind me day-to-day that life is short and that I only get one shot at every day. I later found a small rock that presented itself to me in such a way that I knew it had to be my item. Some days I forget what it means, but telling the story over again helps me remember.

In conclusion

I've decided that this blog is the next step of my journey, and I'd love to travel on this crazy life journey with as many people as possible. Please, feel free to leave comments, either publicly or privately. I want to hear about your journey and the successes and failures you've experienced on the way. Together we can reach our goals!

All the best,

j