Regrouping

So... I didn't post for the past day or two because I fell off the wagon. Yes, that's right, I masturbated a number of times over the past two days, had sex with my bf, and had sex with another guy today too. I did try viagra for the first time today; it sort of works for me. I still have to be very into something to get hard, but when I am, I get harder than I normally do.

On Friday, I decided that since I fell off the wagon, I should start the enlargement program I was interested in. This just lead to more jacking off, so obviously, I'm not ready for that and I need to go back to the original plan and take an honest week off. I'm going to count tomorrow as the first day, but I'm going to not masturbate for the rest of the day.

My boyfriend wanted to have sex yesterday, and initially I was upset because I was very gung ho about not masturbating or orgasming. I kind of didn't want to have sex. I realized that this is the wrong idea for me, and mutual fun with my bf is now a completely thumbs up area going forward. Having sex with anyone else, for the time being, is no longer an option. So for the next week, I am going to stay off the hook up sites completely.

The hookup sites were the tipping point for me that made me start masturbating again, so I now know for sure I need to completely avoid these sites with no excuses if I want to achieve my goal. Ironically, the LPSG is fine to visit provided I go with the intent to view the articles. A lot of the outcomes of my behavior vary by intent, and I am apparently still very bad at reading my intent as I go into actions.

A new technique

I am going to employ another tool in my quest to stop masturbating: meditation. In 2006 when I still lived in Cleveland, I took five weekends of meditation classes to learn the basic practice and technique of meditation in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, which is an offshoot of Tibetan Buddhism. I used to meditate daily, and part of me really misses and aches for it, but the stronger part of me (the part that likes to masturbate a lot) hated it.

It is no irony I'm trying to begin a spiritual journey right now. Initially I wanted to go on a four week meditation retreat that would have started this week, if I remember correctly. My goal for this retreat was to find a way to center myself, let my childish habits drop away, and find the path to move forward on my life.

I think it is for the best that I am not at that retreat. Though going on the retreat would easily bend me into a shape that could control my impulses, I have been through meditation sessions before, and I know the temptation to go against teachings runs very strong in me. I am very much an experiential learner. So instead of going to the retreat, my plan was to start a spiritual journey by myself while at home, using the rest of the time in the day to do the work that needs to be done.

Quitting masturbation is necessary for me to succeed in my own work. I bend to the wills of others just fine, so whenever I'm working for someone else, I am a fantastic employee. But whenever I'm supposed to be working for myself, I really just want to fool around and jack off, or play video games, or watch tv. Lately, I've been bored with the video games and we don't have cable, so the go to activity is the Internet and porn.

So, starting tomorrow, the new plan is:

• No more masturbation or self-stimulation
• Meditation for a minimum of 10 minutes per day, seven days a week
• Exercise at the gym once a day minimum for six days a week

Technically, I skipped two exercise days this week, but five days isn't bad when you're starting from next to nothing. I'm pretty happy with my progress in the gym the past two weeks, so next week, I'd like to kick it up a notch and make sure I keep progressing.

In any case, the sun is starting to set, so I'm going to go running.

All the best,

j