I can successfully count one day of success! I also got my STD results today, and am completely clean. A guy I hooked up with a few weeks ago texted me a few days after we got together saying he had the clap. The text came while I was on the highway with my boyfriend on the first or second day of our road trip (the first real vacation he and I have taken together). So before we even had the chance to have much fun on our trip I had to tell him that I most likely had it too. The text came almost immediately after I gave him road head, and I was kind of pissed with myself he couldn't reciprocate. Not that it would matter because it usually takes me forever to orgasm from oral alone. But it turns out it didn't matter at all anyhow. I guess I'll chalk it up to a good learning experience.
My boyfriend and I are officially in an open relationship, though we've done a pretty bad job at setting ground rules. The only rule in place before we left on our road trip was that I couldn't hook up in the apartment without him. Now we've decided that he needs to be at least aware of what I'm doing without him. I'm having trouble adhering to that, but I've only hooked up with one guy since we came back from our trip. I'm hoping a bit of a hiatus from masturbation and the online hookup sites will recenter my priorities.
The Online Playground
The digital age has made hooking up no easier or harder than it used to be. I'd like to imagine that if I was hotter, I would have no trouble finding men I wanted to sleep with, but I have a feeling that my online success rate will only marginally improve as I transform my body with diet and exercise. I'm pretty sure that as I feel I'm hotter, I'm going to be pickier.
Since I live in L.A., I can easily find literally hundreds of men who are online right now looking for something. That something varies from guys who forgot to log off because they have lost interest to guys who are desperate to hook up right now given certain conditions are met. The conditions are, as always, the problem. In general most men online are at home, work or at the very least a friend's apartment (though I've chatted some poor souls at public access terminals in libraries).[1] Most guys online in L.A. cannot afford to live by themselves, so they're usually looking to hook up elsewhere, so that's a huge hurdle. Additionally, most guys online are looking for men who are at least as hot as they are, and since most men have inflated opinions about their appearance and prospects, most men are looking for guys who are hotter than themselves. This creates gridlock. (You thought you could escape it online?)
All men online hate gameplayers. Most men online are gameplayers. Anyone who goes to the hookup sites to find a more traditional date is lying to themselves, and I feel I can say that as someone who is addicted to the sites. Yes, I have a boyfriend. And I love him dearly. But one of the reasons I spend so much time on the sites is that I still believe there's a better match out there somewhere. That may or may not be true, and honestly that better match has quite a lot to live up to. But I realized recently that my better match is not going to be spending very much time on a hookup site, nor would he be interested in someone who spends as much time as I do on those sites.
I don't think I'm quite ready to talk in depth about the qualities of this perfect match, but I think what I'm searching for is actually a better version of myself. The version that doesn't masturbate compulsively, or sit lazily on the couch all day some days, or troll the hookup sites looking for whatever comes around. So I've decided that the only thing left for me to do is become that better person. It's going to change my life to live with more direction and drive. It's also likely to change my relationship with my boyfriend and with all others around me, because I find the more comfortable I am with myself, the more open I am with others.
What does hooking up online have to do with quitting masturbation?
It has everything to do with quitting masturbation. My favorite past time since I was 17 (that's 10 years for anyone keeping score) has been looking at profiles of local men and jacking off. I realized a few years ago that I was more interested in jacking off by myself looking at guys' pictures and chatting with them than I was in meeting them or having sex in person. This is the definition of dysfunctional.
This isn't to say I haven't met some cool guys on these sites. I just don't tend to keep in touch with them once we do the deed and they don't hold up to my hopes. This isn't fair to these men at all, since they are all catches in their own right, just not what I'm really looking for, even for occasional hookups. The ones I keep in touch with now are mostly the ones I've talked to, but haven't met yet.
The sites I like the most are those with comprehensive search features--epsecially those that let you specify what dick size you want I'm a bit of a size queen, so this is the killer feature for me. Not only can I get to look at pictures of hung guys and their dicks, but I can easily send that horse-hung man of my dreams a message? Awesome! Maybe we'll hook up and I'll get plowed by a huge dick! But just in case it doesn't work out, I'm gonna make sure I use that time online wisely by jacking off. I won't miss out on the opportunity for yet another orgasm!
Or at least that's the way it was. 10 years on, I've only met a handful of guys with huge dicks (and almost all of those were in Cleveland, go figure). Most have complexes. Many don't really understand what they have between their legs or how to use it to please a greedy bottom to the full potential. But then there are those few that have gigantic dicks and are open minded enough to have some really mind-blowing sex that doesn't follow their usual script.
All the hookups I've ever had were online; I have never picked a guy up from a bar (I don't go to bars very much, never did except for a brief period when I was 19 and couldn't drink so there wasn't much point). Though I've definitely had some hot times, most times I would have been happier finishing myself off at home. In general, hung or not, the sex is lackluster, and I've definitely shared the blame for that a lot of the time.
I do try to learn things from my hookups (sometimes I'm a slow learner so I have to go back for more ;). There are some memorable men: the huge hung black man from Cleveland that was able to make me cum without touching myself, the truly horse hung white guy who couldn't get hard but spent an hour trying to deny that fact (he said that if he hadn't masturbated earlier that day or if I'd gotten there sooner, he would have been ready to go. As if that matters in the moment!), or a recent hook up with an Asian man in New York who was as head over heels attracted to me as I was to him (the chemistry of that one session was the strongest I believe I have ever felt).
The good experiences I've had hooking up online have just been flukes. All the men in my life I formed a deeper connection with I met while going about my life without looking for them. I think that's because I was forced to encounter those men as people first and I never seem to be able to objectify someone once I meet them, which kills the mood for sex, more often than not.
I think my need to objectify men to interact with them sexually is one the problems that has grown because I masturbate to their pictures online. I think how hot it would be to get with the man in the picture I'm looking at, without thinking about who they might be as a person. The sex is generally mediocre. It only works when there's a connection, and I have a hunch that the real chemistry can only happen when you realize you're attracted to the person in the sexy body.
I've been on these hookup sites briefly over the past day, but I haven't jacked off at all (and only went on to sent a message to a friend I'm trying to connect with for business in addition to sex). But this week, in addition to not jacking off, I'm also staying away from the hookup and porn sites, since what's the point if I can't put the material to good use? So far so good, and Day 2 is well underway. One foot in front of the other will lead me to my goal. Wish me luck as I walk into tomorrow!
All the best,
j
Footnotes
- New technologies are starting to revolutionize the way men hook up. A new iPhone application I discovered on the road trip is called Grindr. You fill out a short profile with a picture (G rated only) and some basic info about yourself. The application takes your current GPS position and loads the pictures and profiles of everyone around you who has logged into the app within the last few days. You can send messages or pictures to anyone who appears. If you're lucky someone will be online and checking obsessively, and you'll have a hook up (providing the interest is mutual). I've never gotten this to work out, though I haven't really tried it in L.A. The only successes I've heard about are when two guys find each other on Grindr in the same club. The benefit of this is that the guy you're finding likely has some means (after all, he's holding an iPhone) and is a bit of a geek (which I consider a plus, honestly). [Back to blog]
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