Today was a really busy day so I was too distracted to worry about masturbating. But I'm noticing that I'm more energized in my work. When masturbation isn't on the table as an option, and I'm not really in the mood to do anything, I looked at my pile of busy work and just got going. I ended up finishing the final track layout of a CD I've been working on. So one major goal down!
I decided to spend part of the day by returning to some of the sites I frequent the most while horny. The main one is a forum of sorts, not necessarily a porn site. This forum is the Large Penis Support Group, or LPSG for short. I caught wind of the forum while in college or even possibly before. This is a site where, ostensibly, men go to get moral support for the problems that occur when you have a large penis.
It sounds like a joke, and there are a lot of wankers that post on the site from time to time. And a lot of it is porn—hell I use the site to get off all the time. But a lot of the people on there arrive at the site with some serious issues because of their large penises. There are men on there that legitimately have issues having sex because they are too big for most people. Hell, I'm fairly girthy and as a teen I had a lot of trouble finding a guy who was willing to bottom for me. It caused quite a complex because I really disliked the feeling of bottoming at that point. But I learned to take it, and then I learned to enjoy it.
And now for something completely different:
I need to apologize if I'm a bit scattered tonight. I live in L.A., and I am a licensed medical marijuana patient. I say that, and to sound cool I make it sound like I gamed the system by lying to the doctor, telling this next story tongue in cheek. But the truth is I leveled with her and told her about my anxiety, and told her I was an artist and didn't want to take any of the prescription medicines because I've heard so much about how they deaden creativity. I admitted I had used pot before and that it works for me, and I don't get addicted. She immediately signed me up for a year.
It is honestly ridiculous how much it helps me to smoke. I have social anxiety and body image problems, and the 420 lets me deal with them objectively. Stoned I can focus on anything I want to and forget everything that holds me back. I actually get things done and make permanent changes in my life. I always work out stoned. It makes exercising amazingly enjoyable for me. The time flies and I am very focused on form and pace the entire time. It's been a very uplifting experience actually; I can say this is the first time in my life I am fully enjoying my time at the gym!
I fully bought into the D.A.R.E. program when I was a kid. It scared the crap out of me in middle school. At my high school they would do occasional drug dog sweeps of the lockers. I know people were smoking pot, but they weren't in my group of friends (but honestly, I was mostly a loner with a few clingy friends until my senior year). If the drugs were actually around and being used I never saw them once.
In college I fell in with a upperclassmen pot smokers in the Spring semester of my first year. They did shrooms once, I remember. I wasn't allowed around that day because they didn't want me stressing them out. The eldest in the group prided himself on introducing people to pot. He wouldn't let me have any because he bet I'd skip the high and go right to the paranoia. Back then, he was probably right. But if they had only coached me through smoking it with them, it would have opened so many doors for me so young.
But alas, that was not meant to be. I came out to California for grad school in a somewhat prominent theater sound program. Drugs are done everywhere on that campus. It was eye opening. And most of the students were completely functional. But in my program, only the kids who partied smoked, and I just wasn't ready to be a partier, so I never did anything.
But I did get some that first year. That summer, during the summer, I smoked with some of the assistant program heads and one of the guys I'd had a crush on for quite a while. I also drank, so I couldn't tell whether I got high or not, I just got wasted. (I later learned alcohol and pot are super intoxicating to me to the point where I begin to hallucinate if I do too much of both). Naturally I didn't get laid that night.
Flashing forward: it was really my boyfriend who got me smoking. He's a big pot head—had been for years—and he's mostly functional with it (it's starting to fuck with his short term memory pretty badly, though). My boyfriend is my safe person. Whenever I'm anywhere trying something new, if I see him I know I'll be okay because he'll take care of any problem.
He got me started on a fairly regular basis (whenever I was out with him, really) and then once we moved in together, I started to smoke much more often. That's when I started to notice how much it smooths out my personality and helps me unlock doors within myself and let go of stress I've carried and wounds I've favored for years and years. I honestly think it's helping me be a better person. I'm not sure I would have conceived of this blog if not high, for what it's worth. (And this is the first entry I've written stoned.)
So that's my story for the evening, I'm now out to the world as a medical potsmoker. I'm sitting here thinking that I hope this won't be detrimental to my career, but what do I care? I work in theater, and I'm currently massively underemployed, and I have no intent to need to fit in the square corporate world again. So I'm out as a potsmoker. I'm going to be honest with the world now about everything.
It makes it so much easier to do that.
All the best,
j
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment