Continuing Forward

I'm taking my second real stab at adulthood, the first being in 2005 when I graduated from college. Back then, I had no debt, had a dead end job that I hated, hit a dead-end on one career, and was very lonely. I lived by myself and was out of a relationship for most of that year. I made myself miserable from graduation in May 2005 to March 2006. March 2006 brought around grad school acceptances, touring campuses, and a general uplifting of spirits as I realized that I could leave the awful stagnation I found myself in.

Grad school is now finished, and I find myself back in the same pit. I realize now that I never left—in fact I probably dug a bit deeper. I let the same bad habits I developed during my undergrad years settle in a little deeper, and I mostly stopped doing the things that were helping me at the first sign of discouragement. That includes meditation, careful budgeting, and regular exercise. In retrospect, I can say I was half-assing those things even when I was outside of school for that year.

Now I'm doing a bit better I think. I still masturbate way too much, but I'm working out regularly, am beginning to reign my debt back into my control, and just started practicing the piano regularly. I think I've finally realized that self-improvement is not a one-day affair. Only if I'm disciplined and dedicated will I ever make any improvements in my life.

There's a strong part of my that does not want to get better and create new good habits at the expense of the bad ones. This is a part of me that I have seceded much power to over my lifetime, and it is very hesitant to give back any ground. I think in the Christian world this part of me would be called the Devil. It is definitely a tempting voice, and it very much does not want me to understand its overall goals and reasons.

However, I can say several things for certain:

1. Masturbation is not a skill employers care about
2. Distraction has never finished a project
3. Laziness has never lost weight
4. Spendthrift is never prepared for the future

It takes discipline to mold a personality, and time for that discipline to bear fruit. I need to be more patient with myself and simultaneously be on guard for backsliding.

All the best,

j