What a difference a day can make

I hit a new low Monday and Tuesday. I was incredibly depressed on Monday and didn't really do anything all day except for smoke, exercise, masturbate, and get dicked around by UPS customer support. My boyfriend went to bed before me because he was exhausted from work, so I got high and then smoked salvia. The increased high (with some hallucination) was interesting, but it was far from the calm, peaceful high I was hoping for. I slept very fitfully that evening, and think I had some pretty intense dreams, but I don't remember any full images from them.

Tuesday brought what seemed like nothing but disappointments. The show I've been working on and performing in got picked up by a conference in Orlando, but the dates overlap the only other gig I've managed to book this Fall, and the conference doesn't seem to be able to pay us (and wouldn't be able to match the money I'm making on this other gig). I'm used to my schedule blissfully falling into place and getting whatever I want.

I was in a horrible mood, and felt really awful about myself. After my intense trip Monday evening, I didn't want to smoke anything. My boyfriend and I had an argument that turned into a heart-to-heart about the difficulties we're going through financially and emotionally. That combined with the book I've been reading, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying made me realize that all the problems I am having in my life are due simply to the negative outlook I've chosen to embrace. I've been working very hard with improving my outlook on athletic pursuits because I've noticed it allows me to perform better, but it hasn't tracked into my day to day life yet.

I went for a run, and what I realized while running is that the voice I hear in my head, the voice I identify as "me" is not my conscience, it is my ego. I—like most others it seems—have allowed my ego to run my life and make my decisions. It's not that I've acted immorally on every decision I've made. Some of the time, I do make the right decision. But most of the time, that decision is compromised by my ego and thus my desires.

I stopped meditating around the time I started to dig myself deep into credit debt. During Thanksgiving break on my first semester of grad school, I went shopping with some of my new friends from CalArts and ended up spending hundreds if not thousands of dollars on a completely new wardrobe. All this was because a person who I had known for only a few months told me that the way I dressed didn't reflect who I was. So I went out and bought clothes who made me look like who I wanted to be. I didn't fix the problem I intended to, but the correct answer to this impulse is, what does it matter if someone else thinks my clothes do not match "who I am." I've always been uncomfortable with how I looked, and the real irony is that I felt I looked the best I had up to that point. By succumbing to the temptation of solving internal problems with external purchases, I paved over that problem with several that were much worse: debt, lies, and self-loathing. To this day I haven't worn some of those clothes more than a handful of times, and most of them do not fit anymore.

The only way to escape from ego that I have found is meditation. I will write a more in depth post about meditation in the future, but the basic idea is to sit with neutral posture, focus on your breathing, and whenever conscious though arises (i.e. whenever that voice in your head starts talking) identify the though without judgement and let it go by saying the word "thinking" to yourself, and then return your focus to your breath. It is a very difficult practice, but it will create a sense of spaciousness that is freeing.

Try it. It's difficult, but with practice, the ego voice begins to weaken. Unfortunately, ego is clever, and will fight back any chance it gets. And it plays dirty. But take heart: when the ego flares up, identify it with the word "thinking" and let it go.

All the best,

j