October Goal: Quit Masturbating

After reading Leo's blog post on Zen habits entitled 29 Ways to Successfully Ingrain a Behavior, I've decided to give it a shot and attempt to quit masturbating during the month of October.

Start day: October 1, 2009

End day: October 31, 2009

Reasons:

1. My dick is chronically calloused, and I want the sensitivity back, not to mention the smoother texture and softer skin.
2. My sex life with my boyfriend is subpar, and masturbation stands in the way of a healthier sex life with him.
3. I have never found anyone online while masturbating that I have felt was worth pursuing for more than a one-night stand. Any repeated encounters were out of desperation, which demeans me and the guy I'm hooking up with.
4. It is my principal waste of time and main method of coping with anxiety. There are plenty of other things that I could spend my time on.
5. This is my most ingrained habit, and beating it will empower me to change other things in my life.
6. I find the habit to be embarrassing.

Obstacles:

1. Masturbation is my go-to activity with a complicated network of triggers and rationalizations reinforced over the past 10-12 years.
2. I have tried to quit before without success for more than a week.
3. I enjoy doing it, and am addicted to it.
4. I have not developed any hobbies that are as lazy or self-gratifying as masturbation.

Triggers	Replacement
Waking up horny	Morning routine (phys therapy, yoga, meditation)
Boredom	Review to-do list, do an activity, clean the apartment, read,e etc.
Fatigue	Go to bed
Hunger	Eat a healthy snack
Thirst	Drink
Loneliness	Say hi to a friend on facebook, journal
Stress/Anxiety	Meditate, yoga, exercise
Hookup sites and porn	Avoid them
Talking to tempting men online	Excuse myself from conversation, change the subject, quit the chat

Mantra: Sex, not masturbation.

Rewards Initiate sex with Wes, playing video games guilt free, read books for pleasure, final reward on November 7th: Romantic evening out with Wes for our anniversary

Situations to avoid Chatting online, porn, hookup sites

So that's the plan overall. I'm still looking for an online support forum, but I doubt I'll even have time to post over the next month. The only thing I'm really worried about this next month is my anxiety running out of control and damaging my ability to do all the work that's on my plate. But I think that if at the first sign of anxiety I meditate for 10 minutes, I'll be able to focus again.

I intend to post regular updates here, so wish me luck!

All the best,

j

The road gets more busy and bumpy

I always know I'm not doing well mentally when I'm not able to continue writing and I let my paperwork get backed up at home. I finally have work, but it doesn't pay anything near what I hoped, and it's a very odd schedule. My days are pretty packed to the point that I don't have any time to relax, let alone see my boyfriend. We've been ships in the night for most of this week. By the time I get home, he's in bed, and I'm still sleeping when he gets up and leaves for work. It sucks, and it's going to be like this for a while.

I went surfing for the first time this past Monday and really loved it. I'm looking forward to going out again soon if I can make the time. I enjoyed surfing more than I've enjoyed most of what I've done for the past few months for sure, and probably even longer. I'm very interested in cultivating surfing as one of my go-to leisure activities. I want to live a more active lifestyle with less time just goofing off at home, and I think activities like surfing are going to be very important for getting me out of the house.

Of course, to pursue activities like this, it takes time and money, and these are both things that I don't have at all. So I've decided that it's time to settle down and get a house gig somewhere. It would mean I put my freelancing career on hiatus and just focus on working a "real theater job" for several years, at least. That would hopefully allow me to pay off my bills with some stability, get decent health insurance, and give me some free time to pursue my own interests. I'd really love to not have any designs on my plate while working a steady theatrical job. It sounds like a dream to me at the moment.

I'm doing what I can at the moment to land a house job, but in the meantime I'm still going to land whatever freelance gigs I can find to keep busy even though the pay is so low. Hopefully a good house audio job will present itself to me in the next few weeks. There's one that may turn over at any point that I have my sights set on, and if it opens up I'm going to do whatever I can to grab it.

Best,

j

Turning over the next card

During the first year my boyfriend and I were dating, we started a tradition on/around our birthdays for which he would do a year-long reading. It's a 15-card spread that contains one card for every month of the year, the forces working for and against you for the year, and the feeling of the year.

Taken in whole, this year's spread is a very good spread with some obvious warnings. The tower comes up in a few months, and I've been warned about falling into my old habits and traps. This is why I am trying so hard to overcome them--I see myself as a person who is mostly succeeding, but in moments of doubt I am completely held hostage by my wandering attention span and inability to focus on complicated tasks for long periods of time when not working in the presence of others. Unemployment has not been kind to me, nor has it made my goal of overcoming myself very easy.

August: The Hermit

Last months' card was the Hermit. The Hermit is a card of introspection and a desire for solitude. Either intentionally or accidentally, I have lived the hermit's role this past month. I've usually only ventured out after dusk, and I've been involved in intense introspection trying to figure out what my goals and my path in life are. At the end of the month, I do not believe I have reached any concrete answers.

However, that is not to say I have not made any progress. I think I've realized finally that there are no concrete solutions. There is no clearly defined path to follow. There is only karma. To change my path forward, I need to change my actions in the present. The past does not matter because it is behind. The goal is to live every day as if I have woken up for my first day. I have a set of knowledge, a set of patterns, and a body. If the patterns are maladaptive, I need to change them in the moment, not examine the reasons why my patterns are broken or plan the future that will exist if I do or not make changes. The purpose of every day is to live in that day, make the best choices possible, and that's it. Eventually, the patterns that held me back will weaken as new ones arise.

September: The Ace of Cups

Here is an interpretation of the Ace of Cups from the Aeclectic Tarot:

Emotions rising up for new love. This usually indicates that the querent is feeling a new welling of emotion or beginning to have some vivid dreams. They're not writing the poetry yet, but they feel the desire to, or they may have caught sight of a figure across a room and felt a tug at their heart. They've lifted the cup and they want to drink from it.

I believe this is my month to seize and cultivate change in my daily life. This is the month to meditate, to keep up to date and in advance of my creative projects, and to keep the gates of introspection wide open so new discoveries can be made. I have some work scheduled this month, so learning to juggle my personal goals with work will be very important before the firestorm of work scheduled for October hits.

I can't believe August is over, but it's time to keep moving forward into the uncharted territory of post-grad.

All the best,

j