Fear

As I am about to embark on what promises to be a lifelong journey into my personal goals, I feel I need to pause and assess the fears that have been cropping up on the outskirts of my mind. What better time than Halloween to air out the scary skeletons in my closet?

Fear of Failure

I am afraid of failing at something I have worked at with honest and concentrated effort. This is why I hold back a lot in my life. I am blessed in that most of the things I attempt half-heartedly seem to work out for the best. Few projects I've worked on have met my high expectations, but there are few that I have given my full energy and dedication. If I don't put my all into a project, and it falls short of my hopes, I never feel too bad because I always know I can do better work if I really put my mind to it. But how can I know if I never do? This is my time to find out.

I want to have a better sense of who I am and what I am capable of by the time I am 30, and I have under three years to accomplish that goal. Without shooting for the stars—my stars—I will never know who I can be. And if I do fail, I still have two options: I can try again a different way, or I can give up. Giving up without trying is no longer a decision I want to make.

Fear of Success

The coin of judgement has a flip side. Achieving all my goals will make me a different person. I have no idea what person that is. I think I've balanced things out so I'll be able to look back and thank my past self for taking the risks I'm about to undertake. But what if I reach for these goals, reach (or exceed) them, and still feel unhappy and unfulfilled?

If that happens, and three months (or three years) from now I'm still miserable and am not happy about my accomplishments, at least I'll have crossed a whole bunch of options off my list and can keep searching for what will make my life fulfilling and happy. So I guess in this particular case, my fear of success is really a disguised fear of failure. My overall goal is happiness and fulfillment, and it may take a lifetime to meet that goal.

Fear of Loneliness

Largely, this is a journey that I am going to be taking alone, or at least without any direct support from people in my current social/familial network. I'm worried that I'm going to do to reach my own personal goals is going to estrange me from people who matter to me now like my boyfriend and my family. I'm also worried that a lot of friends and people I care about are going to think this is a very selfish or self-involved journey I'm attempting.

I honestly feel I haven't been able to function at the top of my game because of the problems I'm attempting to address. I feel like I owe it to myself and those around me to be the best that I can be, defined by my own compass. If I lose people on my journey, I am sure I will pick up others. And if not, at least I will be able to find some solace in the strength I find along the way.

No More Fear

I banish these fears. And if they ever approach again, I will draw strength from my goals and my vision of a potential future in which I am happy with my appearance, feel strong and athletic, understand and control my sexuality, have a strong relationship, and have made leaps and bounds on my career goals. Once I accomplish these goals and manage to find a center in them, I will be in a better position to help others on their journeys. It's going to be a long road to that point, but if I'm ever going to start, the time is now.

All the best,

j