Trouble spots

My resolve has started to die again. I called the former personal trainer over the weekend and left him a message telling him to call me back since I couldn't stop thinking about him. Fortunately he decided not to call me back.

My boyfriend and I had a threesome with the same hot dancer again. This time didn't go quite as well. We had some fun, and Wes fucked him, but after that it started to get awkward and the dancer told us that he wasn't interested in having a threesome again, but he still wanted to hang out. So I guess we're going to still hang out, though I'm upset I didn't get to fuck him. Which has made me horny in not the right ways lately. But I'm trying to deal with it as best I can.

I have been masturbating lately, but I am working again toward stopping.

An oddly frustrating win

Today was a frustrating win. I was too horny to stop myself from jacking off but I didn't go to my usual sites, and I didn't go to any hookup sites or attempt a hookup. Unfortunately I was still horny and ended up jacking off four times. But I think my decision to not hook up with other men is the more important choice to uphold. I will continue to work on not masturbating, but at least this is one slip up that I can say shows some progress.

Quick Update

Yesterday felt amazing. Giving up all future hookups outside my relationship was definitely what I needed to do. It was such a lift to not feel the need to compete or work out or do anything for anyone but me or my partner. The desire to jack off has come and gone over yesterday and today, but I have not succumbed so far. And when I got hard in bed last night, I told my boyfriend and we fucked before sleeping. I know that this sounds like something so simple, but we've never done it so spontaneously in my recollection, and it just felt great. He said our said life is finally becoming what he always wanted it to be. I guess I never knew it could be so good.

It's done

I called the hot black former personal trainer this morning and asked him not to come. Unfortunately, he did not pick up, so I left a message inviting him to call, but asking him not to come over. I briefly explained that I didn't want to hurt him or my boyfriend (or myself) and that I'm also way behind on some other work for this month.

I feel good about this. I feel like I'm finally being honest with myself about what I'm doing. And I feel like I can finally start being honest with my boyfriend.

Important Realizations, Important Decisions

In light of the events of the past few days, which included a hookup with a hot black personal trainer and a hot threesome with my boyfriend and a dancer, I've realized a few things, and made a few decisions as a result.

Realizations

• Sex with my boyfriend is some of the best sex I've ever had.
• Sex with my boyfriend is more pleasurable than jacking off.
• My sexual fantasies are never as fun as I hope.
• One certain base physical attractiveness is met, the only thing that makes sex better is chemistry. A hotter guy does not mean better sex.

Decisions

• I deleted all my pictures on my manhunt account, and removed all identifying information, and set my profile text saying that I am not looking for a hook up.
• I deleted all my buddies on manhunt, all my e-mails, and set it so that it no longer tracks who I look at.
• I've changed my gay.com profile so it no longer mentions threesomes, and says I'm only looking to chat.
• I emptied my gay.com hotlist and bookmark list.
• I deleted all e-mails I SENT to guys that included pictures of me, either G or R rated.
• I will no longer be acting as if my boyfriend and I are in an open relationship. We may still have threesomes, but I will not pursue any men on my own.

These are steps I should have taken at the top of the month. But no worry, this will fix things. The hard part will be telling the hot, black, former personal trainer that I don't want to fuck him tomorrow.

A reset, and a retry

So after my success, well, I guess a few days ago now, I haven't found any strength or motivation in myself. The next day I let myself relapse, and I've been following the whims of my desires ever since, and continuing to complicate the situation before me.

But this is a simple matter after all, and any complications are inventions of my mind to prevent me from doing what the highest-functioning part of my wants: stop masturbating, and stop wasting so much time online.

I've noticed something new when I'm jacking off that is another sign of unhealthy behavior: all the positive thinking I do about self-image and body-image go out the window when I'm jacking off. I default back to an unattractive self-image. And that self-image perpetuates because while I'm jacking off and chatting, I'm not working out, or researching a better diet, or doing anything that is constructive to myself as a person. Masturbation is a huge waste of time for me. It's time for me to be brave, start again, and stand up to my desires. I'm stronger than I used to be, and I need to accept that if this addiction is completely in my own head and I can own it with work. I will have to constantly fight every day to not give in to these impulses. I've found many ways to suppress or forget the desire to get my dick out. And I just need to do them and allow myself to seek out masturbation even when I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not going to understand what I'm going through without that distance and perspective on my behaviors for the past 15 years.

And finally, I'm going to have to get past this desire if I'm going to live a fuller life. I really want to. So I'm going to forgive myself for this week (and this morning/afternoon) and move forward anew starting now.

Some success finally

Yesterday was a complete success. I woke up, did my morning routine, exercised, showered, cleaned the house, and then switched gears and warmed up on the piano and worked on my composition until Wes came home. I'm getting the urge to jack off now, unfortunately. But I'm going to continue to fight it until I get some composition done tonight. I want to at least get the first major section of the tango completed. And then, I don't know. Maybe I'll read.

The point to record is that I correctly identified shame and insecurity as causes for wanting me to escape into masturbation, and I also managed to disrupt that chain in progress. So I think I've finally hit on something that's going to work to turn this around.

Now to exercise, shower, and get my day underway. Today got a bit of a late start because my boyfriend doesn't work the afternoon today so we get to spend it together. I also slept in way too far this morning (really should have gotten up at 9 with my alarm, that's something to work on for the weeks to come) so I didn't get done what I wanted to. I should remember this for tomorrow that I've felt a bit out of sorts today because of my late start.

Meditation on Masturbation

I just completed a 30 minute meditation session, 10 of which I spent asking the question "Why do I masturbate?" This dredged a lot of stuff up. Here goes:

Shame and Escape

These are the biggest ones. This goes back to when I was a kid. The older I got the more I hated myself and my life. I was a sensitive kid, and wasn't dealing with the changes of adolescence well. I was also a sensitive teen, and the older I got, the more I felt I just didn't fit in at all. I escaped through masturbation. I developed a particularly bad habit around final exams: I'd create a "study zone" in the basement right in front of the computer complete with tables for food (and books) access to what was the Internet back then, and lots of tissues. That's right, once the exam stress got too high, I would just jack off continuously.

The shame was all the things I was holding back. I hated most the way I looked, but I also hated who I was. I didn't want to be gay. I wished I hadn't quit playing sports but at this point I felt it was too late. (I still get trapped in THAT one sometimes.) In short, I wished I was tall, muscular, popular... most of all popular. I was very lonely, almost all the time I felt like I was alone and nobody understood how I felt.

Now the shame problem is a feedback loop. I'm ashamed of wasting all my time masturbating because I hate that's who I am right now. And I'm conditioned to masturbate when I feel shame. Not a healthy cycle at all.

I've actually been working on my athleticism and self-image. I still don't like what I see in the mirror though. I'm definitely pleased with the progress I've made, but I still don't like what I see. This is something I need to get over; I'm starting to worry that I may never truly like what I see if I don't learn to love myself with the flaws. Shaving most of my hair off made me see myself in a new light, and I'm hoping this change is enough to break me out of more of my patterns. It's started to.

I am going to take some time and consider what I want myself to be. What does success look like for me? What would life be like if I didn't feel compelled to masturbate and no longer logged into sex sites? I think that would be amazing. I'd be truly free.

And I want to be.

Sick of feeling like a failure

God, I just can't get a handle on this sometimes. I woke up horny, and honestly wanted to jack off, couldn't stop myself. And I'm trying to make myself remember before I start that I'm going to feel miserable afterwards. It's just not clicking yet. It's 5 p.m. I've wasted almost the entire day so far doing this. I'm going to stop beating myself up about this after I'm done writing this, but Jesus Christ. It's not like the orgasms are even decent anymore because they're tinged with guilt.

I'm calming down now. It's not the end of the world. And the day isn't over yet, I still have time to do some of the things I need and want to do. This is something I am capable of beating, and I'm going to take it one day at a time.

Incidentally, I'm not the only person who is looking for help giving up masturbation. I'm certain an Internet porn addiction is a very common thing, and that most people would love to give up this addiction. WikiHow actually has a nice article entitled How to Stop a Masturbation Addiction. I think I'm going to do my exercises for the day and then meditate on the reasons for my addiction.

Side note - 420

Just wanted to make a note because I found it relevant for the evening. I smoked this morning after I got up to do yoga and smoked again before I ran (I find that really helps me focus on the exercise itself, and prevents my mind from wandering). I didn't smoke again until got back from grocery shopping this evening, after 8 p.m. Before that I was a wreck. I need to remember to smoke in the afternoon so I can keep my focus on work.

Lost focus

I lost focus around 3:45 p.m. today with a mix of hunger, boredom, and anxiousness about my current project. After some hesitation, I ended up just going for the porn, and didn't rise out of my cloud of hedonism until four hours later. I honestly did not think I spent that much time jacking and looking at porn (thought it was closer to two hours until I double-checked the time) so I'm deceiving myself again.

Tomorrow before giving into temptation I will try these things:

1. Doing a set of crunches/core exercises
2. Medicating with 420
3. Completely leaving the room and computer and changing to other tasks that do not require/let me sit down at the computer.

I swear I'm going to beat this, and I'm going to be as open about my habits as possible until I change them. The first site I hit was the LA Craiglist, and then manhunt, and then all the rest of the sites. Yes, I had to open the block I placed on those websites. I intended to jack off for only 20 minutes. So much for that.

I came off twice in those four hours, and now I'm running late on the other chores I need to complete! Dammit.

Ending Masturbation for Real: Day 2

Yesterday was a success only because I was able to keep busy with other things while my boyfriend was home. Today he's at work, and I have to self-motivate. Luckily I have plenty of projects to work on, both for "work" (I have a large composition project due at the end of the month that I have to start getting together now) and for upkeep on the house (there's still a lot of holiday cleaning to do, grocery shopping, laundry, and some baking I want to do as well).

One reason I think I'm going to succeed today without much problem is my morning routine. For the second day in a row, I've held a morning routine that I've really liked and has really calmed me down. I've also decided to live this year fearlessly, without excuses, and without judgment.

While running this morning, I found myself unable to remember how many days I had refrained from masturbating in a row. I'm a bit disappointed to find out I couldn't remember the number one. But that's just a testament to the strength of my addiction.

So one day officially down, and a second day under way. I'm going to shower and then practice the piano and do my composition work for the day.

Change in focus of this blog

Hi all. And since I'm pretty sure my readership is the occasional accidental websurfer, by all I mean anyone who's stumbled across this post. And by that I mean probably nobody.

I'm not upset that this blog has not become an overnight success, though I was hoping for some feedback of some sort. I'm realizing that this is a blog that's more for me than anyone else, and since Google has generously provided servers with which to host it and the software with which to run it, I'm going to take their generosity and run with it.

I've made a set of new year's resolutions that I'm expecting to take 10 years to complete, and I've started a second blog not on blogger to explore the process I'm undergoing for the next 10 years. However, I do want that blog to be read, so I'm shunting my very personal growth to this blog that nobody is reading in hopes that it's something about the substance of my posts and not the style that is putting people off. But I'm not really going to care if anyone reads the other blog at this point; I'm not planning on monetizing it for years.

That being said, I still have not solved this masturbation problem of mine. I contacted a friend who is a hypnotist and apparently also "life coach" and he offered to coach me out of my excessive masturbation. However, he failed to set up our first meeting to do so. But he did give me a good starting point: specific journaling. From now on, I'm going to use this blog as a platform from which I plan to journal my specific frustrations with masturbation and how hard it is for me to quit. I found in the few short private journals I did on the subject that it was very therapeutic, and if I can do anything to help others with their own problems through my own struggles, I owe it to the universe to make my struggles public.

So from now on, I'm intending to put at least a short post here chronicling the specifics of my struggles with masturbation. I'm serious this time, and have taken some steps I never have before to help ensure my success. I have:

• Moved all my porn to DVDs, deleted all that porn from my internal and external hard drives, and given those DVDs to my boyfriend to store/destroy/I don't want to know.
• Deleted all e-mails sent to me by guys I met online. There were over 500 from the past seven years or so.
• Deleted all nude pictures of guys I've ended up befriending.
• Set all paid accounts to expire and blocked access to all websites.
• Deleted all saved passwords for porn sites on my computer.

So far this has not been enough to prevent me. The website block is just as easily removed as it was before, but this time I'm promising myself that any point I have a moment of weakness I will document that moment, and any day that I've successfully "won" against the urges to masturbate, I will document that day as well, until such a point is reached that I feel I've successfully beat this bad habit.

I'm undertaking a lot of change right now, and I know trying to do too many habit changes at once is generally a bad thing. But my goal with this is to bring about a lifetime of change. I'm forgiving myself for failure in advance and allotting years to a full lifestyle change instead of pushing for it all to happen at once. In other words, this time I feel I'm taking it slow on all fronts even though I'm trying to address multiple fronts at once.

Today I established a new morning routine, and as part of that routine I'm hoping to stop masturbating first thing in the morning so I don't start the day with a sense of failure. This routine consists of stretching and yoga, a protein shake, meditation, some blogging, and exercise. I feel pretty good at the moment (in the blogging phase obviously) and my protein shake should be mostly absorbed, so I'm going to move over to the exercise phase of the morning. So far I haven't been tempted to masturbate. Here's to a day without it!