A reset, and a retry

So after my success, well, I guess a few days ago now, I haven't found any strength or motivation in myself. The next day I let myself relapse, and I've been following the whims of my desires ever since, and continuing to complicate the situation before me.

But this is a simple matter after all, and any complications are inventions of my mind to prevent me from doing what the highest-functioning part of my wants: stop masturbating, and stop wasting so much time online.

I've noticed something new when I'm jacking off that is another sign of unhealthy behavior: all the positive thinking I do about self-image and body-image go out the window when I'm jacking off. I default back to an unattractive self-image. And that self-image perpetuates because while I'm jacking off and chatting, I'm not working out, or researching a better diet, or doing anything that is constructive to myself as a person. Masturbation is a huge waste of time for me. It's time for me to be brave, start again, and stand up to my desires. I'm stronger than I used to be, and I need to accept that if this addiction is completely in my own head and I can own it with work. I will have to constantly fight every day to not give in to these impulses. I've found many ways to suppress or forget the desire to get my dick out. And I just need to do them and allow myself to seek out masturbation even when I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not going to understand what I'm going through without that distance and perspective on my behaviors for the past 15 years.

And finally, I'm going to have to get past this desire if I'm going to live a fuller life. I really want to. So I'm going to forgive myself for this week (and this morning/afternoon) and move forward anew starting now.