Week 1 Focus: No Masturbation

I'm probably going to reference Joel Gabriel's blog quite a bit since I'm using his information and goals as an inspiration for the changes I'm attempting in my own life. So to follow his lead, I'm going to write a bit about my own masturbation habits today.

In the beginning

I grew up in a fairly conservative household in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. My parents are both religious (my father is Catholic and my mother is Moravian, a pre-Lutheran Protestant offshoot). I was raised in the Moravian tradition. Moravians are really nice people. The religion is about tolerance, conversion through outreach, and brotherly love. They're accepting of homosexuals implicitly (not explicitly). I'll write more about them in a future post when I talk about my religious views. My point here is that I was not brought up with the idea that masturbation is a sin; it just wasn't talked about. At all.

I first found out about masturbation because of Dr. Joycelyn Elders. Dr. Elders was Bill Clinton's first Surgeon General. She didn't become notable to me until this event transpired (quoted from her wikipedia article):

In 1994, she was invited to speak at a United Nations conference on AIDS. She was asked whether it would be appropriate to promote masturbation as a means of preventing young people from engaging in riskier forms of sexual activity, and she replied, "I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught." This remark caused great controversy and resulted in Elders losing the support of the White House. White House chief of staff Leon Panetta remarked, "There have been too many areas where the President does not agree with her views. This is just one too many." Elders was fired by President Clinton as a result of the controversy in December of 1994.

In December 1994 I was 12 and halfway through 8th grade at a private Moravian-centric school. I'd received (in retrospect) horrifyingly bad sex ed from the school in 6th grade, and my parents attempted to shore that up with two books (I think I'd only received one at this point). My understanding of sex at this age was twofold:

1. I shouldn't become a father until I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically ready.
2. As long as a girl is on birth control, I can't become a father.

That's it. I didn't understand condoms, STDs, or any of that, and I had never seen a vagina outside of poorly conceived textbook and blackboard renditions. I didn't get the mechanics or dangers of sex beyond the simplistic points above. I didn't know what masturbation was, I'd never had a wet dream or night emission though I was well on in puberty, and was pretty innocent about the entire process.

When Dr. Elders was forced to resign, all I understood was what I had heard on right-wing talk shows (I'm looking at you Rush): she wanted to teach kids to masturbate, and apparently that was scandalous. I didn't know what the word meant, but I really wanted to know so I looked it up in the school dictionary:

masturbation - noun

1. the stimulation or manipulation of one's own genitals, esp. to orgasm; sexual self-gratification.
2. the stimulation, by manual or other means exclusive of coitus, of another's genitals, esp. to orgasm.

"masturbation." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 21 Jul. 2009. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/masturbation>.

This is a pretty good what, but for a fairly sheltered and unimaginative 12-year old the how was severely lacking. So I did the next best thing: I checked the Internet.

My sister had just gone to college, so to easily (and inexpensively) communicate, my parents bought AOL. Back then AOL was mostly gated off from the Internet. I don't remember a web browser yet, and there were no parental controls, at least none that my parents knew how to use. Eventually, I found my way to Usenet, which I can only really describe to those of you that don't know it as anonymous mailing lists sorted by topic. My topic? alt.sex.masturbation.

I intentionally linked to December 1994 up there. The modern Usenet groups are a filled with spam, but spam barely existed back in 1994, so it was just real people (usually freaks and geeks) talking about whatever they felt like, uncensored and unfettered. Needless to say, there was very little helpful information. However, I did manage to find a FAQ that went into way too much detail. You really have to read through it to believe it.

Somehow, after reading a bunch of posts, I still didn't get it and decided that the "best way" to masturbate would be to use a washcloth in the shower that evening. Now, the washcloths my parents bought were pretty rough, meant for scrubbing. I attempted to do the deed that night with the washcloth and ended up rubbing my dick raw before getting anywhere near a climax (though I do believe I got hard). Then I got the bright idea to use soap as a lubricant. That burned since my dick was already raw. I believe I came that night for the first time, and it started a trend that has forever linked masturbation and sexual pleasure with pain and discomfort.

Flash forward

By the time I was done with high school, I would masturbate in our finished basement in front of the computer looking at porn for hours every evening. I can't even count the amount of sleep I lost, tissues I used, or homework I skipped or half-assed. But I still got great grades in most of my classes, so it was no big deal and my parents never called me on it or talked to me about it at all. The basement began to smell strange, and I was embarrassed about all the tissues so I would hide them and not throw them away, which didn't help. So in addition to the pain, add compulsiveness, secrecy, and shame.

My first year of college I had a roommate, which cramped my style a bit, but managed to get a single my second year, so I was in the clear from 19 forward. Even after moving in with my boyfriend a year ago, I've continued my habit.

New thinking, new goals

Only a few things get me to stop masturbating:

1. Excessive work — If I'm completely engrossed in a project that takes up all my time during the day leaving almost no time left to get a good night's sleep, I'll skip masturbating.
2. Injury — I'll talk more specifically about my techniques in another post, but my association between masturbation and pain tend to mean I don't use lube. I chafe pretty easily, and after excessive sessions multiple days in a row, I bleed. I'll usually take a day or two off to let things heal.
3. Travel — As long as my days stay packed while travelling, I will often just forget to masturbate. However, a lot of my travel lately has involved a lack of privacy or excessive work, so I'm not sure if travel alone is what I need.

I've been able to hold off masturbating for about a week or so now and again, but I've always been assisted by those above distractions. Lately I've been tring to stop (not very hard), but I've only be able to skip a day here and there. This week, I'm going to take 7 days off all self-manipulation so I can physiologically and psychologically recuperate and understand more about why I do it. Day 1 is already well under way and I can tell it's going to be a difficult week. I've been tempted to give up multiple times already. The past times I've quit, I've always had something to distract me from doing it—not so this time.

After I accomplish a week of this, I'll pick a new goal, but I intend to not masturbate again for at least a month, possibly longer. I want to take this a week at a time, because I've learned setting large, lofty goals never pans out for me.

Wish me luck, and I'll be sure to tell you more than you could think to ask or want to know tomorrow.

All the best,

j